The little victories and little defeats

I had my doctor's appointment today. Before I went I downloaded all my pump information & printed off the results for my doctor. I made a list of things that I needed a prescription for and made a list of all the things that I wanted to ask my doctor about. I was ready to face my doctor, get my A1c results, and find out what I needed to do to get a CGMS for my pump.

Of course when I got to the office I had to wait for TWO HOURS before I could get in to the back. And then waited another 15 minutes to see the doctor. I like him. Really I do. But the booking is a little crazy.

Anyway, back to my story. I got called back and they weighed me. I don't weigh at home. I would be obsessed with it if I did. I knew I had gained some weight back. It was about 5 pounds. A little defeat. I have been trying so hard to keep the weight off. I hate it that I had gained some back. This makes me that much more determined to start exercising on a regular basis. I want to loose about 15 to 30 pounds. I know it can be done. I just have to get off my butt and do it!

When my doctor came in and gave me my A1c results I was really hoping for a lower A1c. It didn't happen. My last A1c was 6.6. Today it was 6.7. I know it's not much of an increase. But it's there. And I don't like it. Another little defeat.

Now on to the little victories. My microalbumin urine test came back good. No problems. No spilling protein. My cholesterol was okay. And there were no other abnormal test results. This is very good to hear. Twenty-two years is a long time and I know sometimes that I am playing a fine line to have no complications. I want to keep it that way for as long as I possibly can.

Another good thing is that I spoke with my doctor about getting the Constant Glucose Monitoring System for my Minimed 722 pump. I have wanted this for some time, but was afraid that my insurance would turn it down. But one of my co-worker's has the same type of insurance that I do and they pay for her husband's CGMS. So today I asked my doctor what we could do about getting it for me. He asked me several questions about my blood sugars. When do I go low? How often? Can I tell when my blood sugar is dropping? Then he said he would write a letter of medical necessity to the insurance company and we would see what would happen. My doctor's office also has the Minilink that he loans out for about 3 days at a time to patients to try out. He put me on the list to get this and set me up and appointment for 6 weeks from now.

So, I had some little victories. I had a few little defeats. But overall, there was no terrible news. There was nothing that needed to be changed drastically. I got my prescription for test strips increased to 10 per day. I got prescription for a glucogon pen.

I will definitely let you all know when I get the CGMS on trial from my doctor's office. It may be a little while, but I will keep you all updated. Wish me luck! :)

I finally did it!

Okay, after having my diabetic melt down the other day I decided that I needed to get off my tail and download my pump & meter to see how much damage has truly been done. When I posted last, I said I hadn't downloaded in almost a week. In fact, as of today, it had been 9 days. More than a week. I didn't realize how far off I was.

But I did it. I downloaded all the information. And as it was generating reports, I couldn't help but be a little worried. I knew I wasn't going to like the results. My two week average blood sugar: 139. I'm not happy with that, since lately it had been running around 120. I like 120 much better than 139. The last time I was on, I looked at my 3 month average & it was holding steady at 129. Today, it was 130. Not a huge difference. But it still shows that the last two weeks has had an effect on me.

So now it's time. Time to pull myself up by my bootstraps, as they say down here in the South. I need to keep on. Monday is my appointment with the endo. I will finally get to see my A1c for the first time in 6 months. The last one was 6.6 and I would really like this one to be lower. Somehow, I don't know if it will be. Those of you who read this blog, please pray with me. And for me. I want all good things at this appointment. And I want to convince my endo that I WANT to be seen every 3 months. I have decided that this 6 month deal isn't working for me. I don't like it.

On my agenda for the endo:

-Check on CGMS as I think my insurance will now pay for it!

-Ask that my test strip prescription be increased from 7 tests per day to 10 test per day.

-Get a prescription for a glucogon pen (I have NEVER had one!)

I am looking forward to this appointment (Yeah, I know I'm weird). I am hoping for a lower A1c, but I am really hoping that I can get the CGMS. I think this would be a good thing for me and would really help me with getting tighter control. And that is my ultimate goal: tight control.

So wish me luck. And send prayers my way. I'll keep you all updated on what the outcome is.

Frustrations in General

I have to say the the past several day have not been the best diabetes wise. I have been continually fighting lows or highs. I will have some readings that are great (Like my 2 hr post breakfast of 120 today), but the majority of readings have not been so kind. A couple of nights ago I was waking myself up every 3 hours to check my blood sugar and bolus some insulin. That made for a very sleepy day the next day.


I'm not really sure, to be honest, if it is one of those freak blood sugar times when nothing I do seems to be right, or if I am just slacking on my carb estimations. Could be a little of both I suppose.


I am afraid to download my info from my pump and my meter. I haven't done it in about a week, when I had been downloading every 3 or 4 days. I am just afraid to see what my daily average is.


Could this be the start of diabetes burnout?? I hope not. I want so badly to be a "good diabetic." I really want to get my A1c below 6. Or at least to the low 6's.


I guess I am just flat out frustrated today. Being part of the blogging community, tudiabetes.com, and visiting various message boards helps. But sometimes I think its just not enough. Sometimes I just want to forget I have diabetes. I want to not count every carb I eat & not worry about what my blood sugar is. And not wonder, every time I'm thirsty, if I am just thirsty or if my blood sugar is high. And I am basically just sick of the constant balancing act that is diabetes care.

New Friends

Those of you out there in diabetic-land know what I am about to say.... No one but another diabetic can really understand all that we go through. This is something that I have a hard time with sometimes. Even though my friends listen, and can have some idea of how I'm feeling, it takes another diabetic to understand when you say, "I feel like crap. My blood sugar is getting to me."
I go to church with a couple of Type 1 diabetics. But one is younger than my and the other older than me. So it isn't like I have the time or chance to really sit down and have a good diabetic gripe session.
I remember being at diabetes camp in Georgia when I was about 9 years old. I loved the fact that all the other kids had diabetes too. Even at that age, I knew that it was special that everyone else had to eat like I did and get shots like I did. But other than that time in my life, I have been around no other diabetics that are my age. Or anywhere relatively close.
This weekend I got to change that. A friend of mine came to visit me and brought a friend of hers. The friend of a friend has diabetes too. She is a recently diagnosed Type 1, but it was nice to be able to talk diabetes-talk and to actually know that the other person didn't only understand, but they also related.
It was a blessing this weekend. A chance to be with another person who I knew could understand and relate to me. Although I am not glad that she was diagnosed with diabetes (the thought of another person every having to live with this makes my heart ache), I am glad that I got a chance to meet her. I have made a new friend. One I can stick in the slot of "diabetic friend". It's nice.

Every Day, Every Hour, Every Minute

I have had this blog for several months now. It is a way of release for me. I am able to talk, to no one in particular, about my diabetes. I get to share my views, my frustrations, and other areas of my life that are continually effected by diabetes.

I started this blog after reading Kerri's blog over at Six Until Me. When I was trying to think of a title, I put on my "Kerri brain". This would be the brain where I try my best to think like Kerri. I'm not sure that she would agree that this is a good thing, but when it comes to writing, I believe it is. Kerri has a way with words that I wish I could have.

This would be what happened when I made up my title: I thought about how much that diabetes consumes my life. The first thing I do in the morning: check my blood sugar. The last thing I do at night before bed: check my blood sugar. Every bite of food that enters my mouth: carbs are counted & calculated. Every activity that I do: make sure the blood sugars will be normal (i.e. dropping basal rates, eating extra food, etc.). And constantly being sure that I have something with which to treat a low blood sugar, change an infusion site, or handle a drastic change in schedule.

Every aspect of my life is consumed by this disease. I can ignore it. I can make it less of a priority in my life. I spent years doing this. But I decided that it's "gloves off" time. I am not going to let the grim prospects that most diabetics face, come to me. I want to delay or prevent as many complications as humanly possible. In order to do this, I have to make diabetes a major part of my existence.

If you want the truth, diabetes and I have a love/hate relationship. It loves me (obviously, since it has been around so long! LOL) and I love to hate it. I have a choice to make. I can hate diabetes and ignore it. Or I can hate it and fight it. Head on. Face to face. And that's what I am prepared to do. Even if it takes Every Minute of Every Hour of Every Day.

Hope for a Cure

I have been thinking quite a bit lately, about a cure for diabetes. More & more I am reading about scientists trying to delay the onset of diabetes and saving the beta cells when Type 1 is first detected. I think this is a WONDERFUL thing! To not have any more children have to live through what I did would be such a blessing. And those that are diagnosed later in life with Type 1, to know there would be hope that you could live without worrying about insulin & carb counting would be a miracle.
But part of me worries. I wonder what kind of strides they are making toward curing those of us who have been diabetic for years? It almost depresses me to think that there would be a cure for those newly diagnosed, while there are millions of us who would still have no hope. Is that selfish of me? I want a cure for us all. If a cure for the newly diagnosed comes first, great!
But please, please, please, don't forget the rest of us. Those of us who have 20 plus years of diabetic wear & tear on our bodies. Those of us who know that statistics tell us we will have a shorter life than the average man or woman. Those of us who know, even with the greatest control, we may still have to suffer complications.
We are still out here. Sometimes, on days like today, I start to loose my hope. I don't want that to happen. I want that hope to still be alive. I want a CURE!

I love you Mom & Dad

I love my mother. My Mom is one of my best friends. I say this, not to be cheesy, but as part of a fact of my life. There is little in my life that I don't share with her. She has been my supporter and I have been hers. Over the years, we have shared many experiences that I believe has made us much closer than we might have been.
I called my mother this afternoon. I talk to her almost every day. I called her this afternoon to make plans to take my little sister school shopping on Saturday. Mom and my step-dad need a break from work and stress, and I think I need to spend some quality time with my sister. What better way to solve both problems than for me to take Rach shopping and make her to cutest dressed girl in the sixth grade?
While I was talking to my mother, I told her to get on the Internet and had her look at the video that I posted earlier this week. She watched it and proceeded to cry through the whole thing. I had cried when I watched it. I actually cried the first 3 times I watched it. It just rings so true to my life.
I have often thought about my parents. I know about my life and how it has been effected my diabetes. But what about my parents? What must they have thought when they were told, "Your daughter has diabetes." How terrifying that must have been. They didn't ask for a sick child. They knew nothing about diabetes.
How do parents handle this? Do they cry? Do they shout? Do they blame themselves? Do they blame someone else? Do they go into denial? Do they wish that their child could have been born with some other disease? Or that they were diagnosed with something that could be cured? Or that it was them instead of the child?
I was blessed. I had parents that did take care of me to the best of their ability. They gave me enough self-reliance and also provided me with plenty of support and love. But I often wonder what their thoughts were during that time in my life.
Mom and Dad, I love you. I owe you so much. Thank you for being parents that care, parents that love me, and parents who looked in the face of diabetes and said, "We can do this!"
I'm sorry I might have caused you heartache (I know it wasn't my fault). I'm sorry you lost sleep, money, normalcy in the name of my diabetes. Thank you for being there. Thank you for being parents.