It's funny that last Wednesday was the official start to the You Can Do This Project. Why is it funny? Oh, well, it's funny because I just realized today that I'm smack dab in the middle of a new episode of diabetes burn out/depression. Honestly, I don't talk about it much because I don't consider it a huge deal in my life. Throughout college and up until a couple of years ago, I would have periods of mild depression that I dealt with every year. Almost like clockwork, sometime between January and March. I've never seen a therapist, so I can't say I've ever been diagnosed with depression, but you don't have to have someone tell you, once you figure out what it is. Usually with those episodes of depression came more pronounced episodes of diabetes burn out.
The past few years I've not really had to deal with it. I'm not sure why. Most of the time I didn't even realize that it didn't come until I was somewhere into summer and thought "Oh, I didn't get sad this year." The past several months for me have been crazy busy. I've been traveling a lot. There's been a lot going on with my job. I've been stressed. I won't lie. But, like a trooper, I've kept on going.
But these last couple of weeks I've just been tired. All the time. I've not been sleeping well. I've been fighting crazy highs and lows with my blood sugars (more highs than anything). It's become a vicious cycle. I'm not sure it the crazy stress and travel brought on the crazy blood sugars and then I got lax because I was tired of the crazy blood sugars. Or if I just got lax because of the crazy stress and travel, and that brought on the crazy blood sugars.
I notice that I'm not counting carbs as accurately. I'm not dosing insulin as accurately. I'm depending more on my CGMS than on actual blood sugar tests. I'm just tired. I've been going to bed crazy early for several nights this week. And then I can't sleep all way through the night. I want to do nothing but read all the time (this tends to be my escape). I don't want to do housework or go to the grocery store. And it's making me crazy.
While I sat in church tonight it hit me that I'm going through another time of depression. And what makes it so funny to me is that I just posted my own video for the You Can Do This Project. All about how diabetes is hard, but that we can get through it.
I thought about just doing what I always do: praying, reading blogs, writing in a journal, and waiting for it to pass. Because it always does. But this time, instead of writing in a journal I chose to put in on my blog. I did it in hopes that it will help me to get motivated. I know I can do this. It just feels like I can't or don't want to some days. Today is one of those days. Tomorrow might be too. But I know that it will pass because I have great support online and off. I don't like being sad. I don't like being burned out on my diabetes care. But it happens. And knowing that I have friends out there that deal with it as well, helps me get through the days.
If you're a prayer, remember me in your prayers. If not, just remember me. :) I'll be fine. I'm strong. For now, I'm off to watch another round of You Can Do This videos. Because if anyone has dealt with depression and burn out, it's the people in this community. I love you guys.