Thursday, September 15, 2011

Frustrated

Tomorrow's the day I pick up the trial Dex. Other than that, I'm just burned out on diabetes right now. I'm so tired to the wild blood sugar swings. I'm tired of feeling horrible from highs and shaky from lows. Hypo unawareness? Lately it seems to have taken a vacation on me. On one hand, that's
a good thing. I actually feel my lows. On the other hand, I'm a shaky sweaty mess when I'm in the high 60s. I hate that.

Part of me is hoping that the Dex will kick me into wanting to try harder. The other part of me wonders if I'll ever care again. Sure, I want to be healthy and as complication free as possible. But lately, the immediate work is something I am not only unmotivated to do, it also seems that when I try it doesn't do any good.

I go back on my endo in October. My plan after my last horrible appointment, was to be able to go back and and have a lower A1c and to be able to tell my endo that I had "fixed" my motivation issues. At this point I don't know if I'll be able to do that. And I don't know WHY.

Why don't I have the motivation? Why don't I want to do the things I know I should. I start out every day with good intentions...and they seem to fall by the wayside.

Heck, at this point I don't even have the motivation to blog much about diabetes. And I've been severely absent on Twitter. I feel guilty. I miss my friends. I feel like I'm failing as a patient advocate. But I just kind of wish diabetes wasn't around right now. And the more I don't want to feel this way, the more it seems to get worse.

I also feel like the fact that I'm frustrated and burned out is the only thing I blog about anymore and I'm tired of being a whiner. So, know that I love you all. And pray for me and my lack of motivation. And hopefully I'll stop being so negative on this blog.

6 comments:

George said...

Lately when I sit down to write all I can think to do it complain about diabetes. I am in a similar place as you are.

Hang in there. No-D Day is coming up soon so we can call forget this stupid disease together for at least one day!

Sarah/@smartDpants said...

Hey Cara (and George), I'm feeling exactly the same way. I haven't blogged in forever b/c I think I'd just complain and whine. That's what I'm doing in my brain a lot of the time. And I'm exhausted with putting out a ton of energy trying to "manage" and not getting the kind of results I think I should get. I have to get my a1c next week, and I'm really afraid of that dumb number. So--know that you're not alone, that we're with you, and we'll get through this. (((hugs)))

Colleen said...

Nah, you're not a whiner.
This (the DOC) has to be the one place where we can be honest. If we didn't have each other to hear us, who would listen?
This is where we can celebrate and commiserate.
Right?

Loren and Ruth said...

Cara,
I'm a first timer on your blog;my daughter is encouraging me to reach out and connect with others facing my challenges. In two weeks I will get my CGM for the first time. But I want to tell you that I'm reading Diabetes Burnout: What to Do When You Can't Take It Anymore by William Polonsky. I've never put a name to how I feel but "Burnout" seems to fit -- I recommend checking this book --

Cara said...

Ruth (I'm hoping I have the right one of Loren & Ruth!), thanks for the suggestion. I tend to go through these stages where burnout abounds. But it always comes back around. I always say that the online community is a part of diabetes care that it impossible to quit. :) I'm glad I have the D-OC.

karend1 said...

I never use to whine on one shot a day and no meter to test my bloodsugar, but now that I have all the tools I whine all the time. I think it goes with the constant failure that is constantly thrown in our faces and the actual thought of what it is doing to our body. It is like a slow cancer. Most days I feel like crap so it is hard not to whine.