Tuesday was my appointment with the nurse practitioner at my endo's office. I knew I was way overdue for an appointment. I also knew I have not been taking care of my self like I should be. My blogging has been very honest about my diabetes burn-out/depression, along with the fact that I know my slacking in diabetes care is my fault and something I am going to have to fix.
The day came my A1c was the first thing they did. The number itself was one that a lot of people would work really hard for and be thrilled with. But for me, it was horrible. It was higher than it had been in over five years. And I knew it was coming. I was praying that it wasn't quite that high, but it was still a punch in the gut to know that I am back to a range where I personally do not feel comfortable.
My nurse practitioner is wonderful. She actually told me that she was happy with that number and that I shouldn't worry, but if I wanted to get it back down that it wouldn't take a lot of work. And she's right. It could be back where I wanted it in a month or so, if I buckle down and start paying attention to what I'm doing.
The great thing about my endo's office, and the people that I see there, are that they listen to me. They are supportive, and understand that even though a number, or a goal might be okay for some people, that I want to work harder and I tend to hold myself to a different standard than most people.
Even after reviewing all my pump and meter downloads, the NP and I talked about the inconsistency of the highs and lows and I was upfront with her about why I believed that they were that way. There's no pattern to my highs and lows because I have been slacking off. We talked a little about my diabetes burn-out, my frequent travel, and my depression. At then end of the conversation she said "I don't think we need to change any of your pump settings." And she was right. I told her that I needed that number so that I could kick myself into gear and she agreed with me, but in the same breath, told me not to stress so much.
It's nice having a great health care team. One that will support me and help me with my goals, but don't feel the need to berate me or tell me all the things I need to be doing differently. I left the office feeling down. Disappointed in myself. But at the same time, having that tangible number has given me the information I need to start making changes. I know what I am, so I know where I need to go to get back where I want to be. So even though I was upset with my number, I have hope and knowledge that I can fix it.
I meet with my endo in October. Let's see what will happen between now and then. I know one thing is for sure: I CAN DO THIS!