I have an appointment at my endocrinologist’s office in just a couple of weeks. I’m not seeing her. My appointment with her couldn’t be made until October. But I am seeing her nurse practitioner. I don’t have a problem with that. I like them both and they are both very good at what they do. I worry though. I am worried about how to handle the fact that I haven’t been doing what I should be. I have no idea what my A1c is. I am terrified that it’s going to be at a level that I haven’t seen in years.
But every time I go, it always comes down to the same question: “What are you going to do to fix it?” And that question is for me. They never come right out and say that, and they always offer to help me with anything I need. But the truth of the matter is that my lax diabetes care right now isn’t because of messed up basal rates or insulin to carb ratios. It’s due to the fact that I haven’t been on top of things like I should be and I know it. And they are going to ask what’s been going on, and I’m going to have to be honest.
Truthfully, I’m hoping that this appointment will kick me back into gear. Sometimes that external motivation is what I need. Emotionally, I’m doing better than I was a week or so ago. Oftentimes when I write about what I’m dealing with it helps me to process it and deal with it. Now I just have to attack the other areas. I need to make myself goals and I need to stick to them. I need to stop feeling so out of control with my life and my diabetes. I need to stop depending so much on my CGMS readings, and depending more on actual blood glucose tests.
It’s all one day at a time. Waking up and being able to say, “I’m going to do the best I can this morning.” And then saying at lunchtime, “I’m going to do the best that I can for the rest of the day.” At this point, I don’t even want to try to do a whole day at a time. And that’s okay. I know, ultimately, that I want to have the best diabetes control possible. And I know I’m the only one that can do that. Diabetes is my doctor’s disease for those 20 minutes I’m in her office. Diabetes is my disease every other second of every other day. Diabetes isn’t a doctor’s disease. It’s the patient’s disease. If I want to have a good, long, healthy life, I have to be the one to make it that way.