Grieving and Diabetes

Grief is a very normal process that everyone goes though at some time in his or her life. People grieve after they experience the loss of a person close to them. Sometimes it is after the loss of a home in a disaster. Some people experience grief after a life altering event.
Illness is also a time when people experience grief. I've often heard about people going through the stages of grief after being diagnosed with cancer or some other life altering illness, whether it be terminal or not.
Being diagnosed as a very young child, I don't believe I experience the stages of grief in connection with my diabetes until I was much older. In fact, it was after I got out of college and got my first job that I really felt like I dealt with my grief with my diabetes.
I have noted before that I remember very little of my life before diabetes. I was only 4 when I was diagnosed, so in most ways, diabetes has just always been. It's always been present. It's always been a part of my life. And diabetes has always been in my mind, my life, and almost every aspect of my life.
Until I was out of college, I don't ever remember being mad about having diabetes. I had times when it annoyed me, sure. But I don't ever remember that anger that is deep and hot and burns you on the inside. When I got my first job I realized, in many ways, how far reaching my diabetes truly is.
Every job I ever take has to have health insurance considered. I will most likely never be a stay-at-home mom, or have the job I have always wanted (to own a day care center). I will always have to interview my employers about their health coverage and their policy on sick days, eating while at work, and taking necessary breaks.
When I realized this late in 2004, it made me very sad and very very angry. I always knew these things, but the reality of them hit me very hard during this time in my life. By early 2005 I knew I was going to loose my job teaching (my contract wasn't renewed). I couldn't work in child care anymore because most child care centers are individually owned and do not offer health insurance.
During this time I was also trying to take the driver's seat as far as my diabetes control was concerned. I had ignored it or just done what was absolutely necessary for far too long and I knew I hate to start doing everything I could to ward off the effects of many years of living with diabetes.
The stress of it was nearly more than I could handle. During this time I had great friends who helped me out. One friend in particular listened to me as I cried and wondered "Why me?". She supported me and loved me and gave me some great advise during this time in my life. **side note: this was way before I discovered the online world of the diabetes OC**
After some soul searching and some poetry writing (what I tend to do when stressed out) and many pity parties for myself, I took control of myself and my diabetes and began to deal with what life had handed me some 20 years earlier. A couple of years later I discovered the diabetes OC and websites like TuDiabetes.com that helped me connect with other people and helped me find ways to emotionally deal with the stresses of diabetes.
I wonder what my life would have been like had I been diagnosed later in life. At 12, or 17, or 21. Would the grieving process have happened earlier? Later? I'm not sure.
I'd really like to hear from others and when and how they dealt with the grieving process of having diabetes. I know there are others who have gone through similar situations and I would like to know how it effected you.

Doctors, Vacation, and Birthdays!

I had an endo appointment this morning. Got the new script for One Touch strips for my new Ultra Link meter! I switch from BD effective tomorrow afternoon. Yay!

My A1c was down to 6.3. Ties for my lowest ever. I had it that low once before. I'm still shooting for below 6. I think I can do it. CGMS has helped greatly.

The bad news is that I am pretty sure that my insurance company is going to STOP PAYING for my sensors! I just put in another order and I am going to stop wearing them all the time because I want to stretch them out in case I have to start paying out of pocket.

There's no way I can afford $175 per month (that's saying I average 6 days on a sensor) for these things. I just can't do it. I'm poor.

Apparently there's "not enough scientific data" to support them paying for them right now. I don't know a lot about scientific data, but I do know my A1c has dropped by 0.4 in the 2 months that I've been on the sensor. And it has caught nighttime lows many, many times that I might not have caught otherwise. I live alone, this gets a little scary.

It has also caught numerous day time lows (and highs) that I don't feel because, in the words of my diabetes educator, I've got a short circuit after so many years of diabetes.

So just pray with me and for me that the big money insurance company will see the error of their ways and decide that they need to keep paying for these things.

I am off tomorrow on a vacation. I am actually staying in the town that I live in, but am going camping and horseback riding with my best friend and her family. I am so excited! It's a long weekend and I have 3 days off. What's not to love about that?

Also, my birthday is on Monday. It's almost always on Memorial Day weekend. This year it feel on the day. I am turning 27. Not so old, some may say. Some days it feels older than others. Today it feels like it will be a good year.

Also, a side note. For all those of you who posted comments on my last blog entry, thank you. Your words mean so much to me. I always know you will understand and know just the thing to say. Mostly because you live this life too.

Cara: iRobot

One thing I will assure you all that I will not discuss on my blog is my personal life. It's just one aspect of my life that I rarely talk about to anyone I know. I will say this: I don't have much of one. I never dated in high school. I only casually dated in college. Due to this, my dating experience is severely limited.

Some days I feel like a robot. Really. I am attached to a machine 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. Then, a few months ago, I began to use the CGMS system. I wear it pretty steadily. Although I do take a few days off here and there.

Add all this together and you get....

Cara : iRobot

The past couple of months I have seriously questioned myself. As a woman, I think we all want to feel beautiful and attractive. (I'm pretty sure guys want to feel attractive too.) But there are times when I just think, how is being attached to two different electronic machines attractive??

I'm a borderline robot. And it's just strange.

Don't get me wrong, I am extremely grateful for the technology to help me control my diabetes to the best possible degree. Technology has helped me drastically improve my health care. My chances of complications after 23 years of diabetes are greatly reduced because I can keep my blood sugars under control and closer to non-diabetic levels.

But that doesn't stop me from wanting to be beautiful. And from feeling like a freak of nature and unattractive at times because I am.... Cara : iRobot.

Thankfully, I have wonderful friends in the Diabetes OC that help me know that I am beautiful in spite of my diabetes. Kerri, over at SixUntilMe is on her honeymoon with her wonderful husband Chris. Donna at Donnabetes has been married for years to her wonderful husband who loves her in spite of her diabetes. Amy at Diabetes Mine, Bernard at Bernard's Diabetes Blog, Hannah at Dorkabetic, and the list goes on and on.

So mentally, I know that I am not weird and that there is the chance of someone finding me attractive in spite of my diabetes. But it doesn't stop my "girl-mind" from occasionally getting away with me and making me feel the way I do.

Tagged!

I was tagged by Donna, over at Donnabetes. Bless her. Now I have to find 6 people. Yikes!

Rules:

Once you’ve been tagged, you have to write a blog with 10 weird, random, facts, habits or goals about yourself. At the end, choose 6 people to be tagged, list their names & why you tagged them. Don’t forget to leave them a comment saying “You’re it!” & to go read your blog. You cannot tag the person that tagged you, so since you’re not allowed to tag me back; let me know when you are done so I can go read YOUR weird, random, facts, habits and goals.

1. I like to eat my food from smallest to largest. Little, broken chips first, whole chips last.

2. I've always wished I could be on Broadway. A nice dream, but probably never gonna happen.

3. I am hoping to travel to Europe someday. Also may never happen, but I can dream, right??

4. One day I hope to finish cleaning out my "spare" bedroom. I have to get rid of stuff and actually turn it into a bedroom. Someday....

5. I have the goal of loosing 20 pounds. Doesn't everyone say that? But really, I will. Someday.

6. I have a horrible sense of direction. Really. I can travel the same road a million times and I might still get lost. I can't give directions either.

7. I just nearly can't live without my Diet Pepsi. Donna has her Diet Coke. I have my Diet Pepsi.

8. I have a goal to someday own my own home. I want to be able to decorate the way I want, paint the way I want, and be able to go HGTV crazy on my living quarters. Sadly, I can't do that when renting.

9. I have a fantasy that all of my friends and family will live in the same town. I call it a fantasy cause I know it will never happen. It's a weird thing to want, but I do.

10. I love getting mail! Not e-mails or text messages, or myspace messages. Just plain ol' stamp on a letter in the mailbox mail. It makes me smile.

So, I am off now to find 6 more people to tag. Wish me luck.

I ran out of people at 5... Sad, I know. Sorry.
I picked Vivian because she's practically my neighbor, even though we've never met.
I picked Jillian because she's always lots of fun. And she's very honest.
I picked Kelly cause she makes me laugh.
I picked Naomi because she's practically one of my best friend's neighbors.
I picked Araby62 because she shares my love of all things 80s.

Craziness

I took my CGMS off today, after my customary 6 day run. And nearly the entire 6 days was off. It was rarely right. That is unusual. I typically have close readings about 90% of the time. Not so with this past run. I know it was probably just a bad sensor, but it can be kind of frustrating at times.

I left it out today and plan to start over again tomorrow or Friday. Wish me luck. :)

My insulin intake is still averaging more than I would like it to, but I see the doctor next Thursday, so maybe we will make some adjustments that will help. I hate the thought of taking more insulin, but whatever I have to do to keep my blood sugars in check I will do.

On a side note, my baby sister (who's not really a baby anymore since she just turned 12) sang in her county wide singing contest and got 1st place for the sixth grade. She's so talented (and I don't just say that cause she's my sister). I am so very proud of her.

Sorry such a short post, but there's not really been a whole lot going on of late in my life, so I am just taking advantage of the peace. I don't expect it to last too long.

My Mother

Tomorrow is Mother's Day. As most all of us know. It's supposed to be a special day to celebrate all our mother means to us. Sadly, the flowers I sent my mother cannot begin to express my thankfulness for her and her role in my life.

Three years before I was born my mother and father went to the House of Ruth adoption ministry and began to fill out paperwork to adopt a child. My mother prayed for years. During their wait, my mom and dad moved from California (where the agency was located) to Tennessee, where I have grown up and lived my entire life.

Months before my parents were paired with my birth mother, they got word that there was a woman who wanted them to have her son. If I'm not mistaken, then even began some of the paperwork. But as soon as the lady found out her child would be living in Tennessee, she backed out. For this, I am thankful to God and to this woman.

My parents went through a great deal to get me. When I was born, I was a month early and in serious health. The doctors who called to tell my mother that I was in the world, also told her not to bother coming to California to get me because I wasn't going to make it. My heart had a valve that was malfunctioning.

My mother told the doctor that she would be on the next plane out of Nashville because I was going to live and because she'd prayed for three years for a baby girl and I was going to be fine; that God would work through his hands and I would live.

This doctor was a known atheist. He went to get on the helicopter that was flying me to a better facility and told them that I would make it because, apparently, in his words, God was going to work though his hands.

When my mother got to the hospital, the nurses all wanted to meet the woman who had made this doctor say something about God.

And with the good Lord's help, and the medicine that wasn't supposed to work, I was able to be okay. I didn't even need surgery. And after 17 days in a incubator, I was able to function and be normal.

That was a hurdle that my mother didn't bargain for. She didn't have to take me. The adoption wasn't final. She could have stayed in Tennessee and not come to get me. That would have been acceptable to most, I think.

But they didn't. She didn't. They brought me home to Tennessee. And I lived with them for years. And then diabetes came to knock on our door.

As an infant and toddler, I never wanted to suck on a pacifier. Mom always said I would spit it right out. Suddenly, around late 3, early 4, I began to suck on my middle and ring finger of my left hand. Like a child would suck on their thumb. Then I started wetting the bed at night. Something I hadn't done since I was potty trained. And then I would have nightmares. Actually, night terrors, where I would wake up seeing things in my bed that weren't there.

My mother thought I needed a shrink. She took me to the doctor. Turns out, there was no need for a shirk. Diabetes had just come into our world.

Everything changed for her after that. For me too. I can't imagine the terror and fear and sadness that a mother faces when her child is diagnosed with diabetes. Sure it's treatable. But so scary. And at the time (1985) there were still many many misconceptions about the disease. Even more than now.

I've thought, throughout the years, that my mother didn't bargain for this. She adopted a child that was supposed to be her little perfect girl. She didn't count on a lifetime of medical bills, doctor's visits and constant worry about her child.

I read a poem once that said it takes a special woman to be the parent of a diabetic child. Sometimes I think that's why I was adopted. God knew that I needed my mom. And that she needed me.

My mother isn't perfect. She'd be the first one to tell you that. She hasn't always made the right decisions or choices. But she's always been there for me. I've always known that I was her number one priority and that I could go to her with anything. In many ways, she's like my best friend. And I thank her for that.

So no present, or bouquet of flowers, or any word could ever convey to the world how much my mother means to me. But I hope, that I can give her just a small idea of how wonderful I think she is.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom. I love you.

What Do I Do Now?

My best friend got engaged in January of 2007. She got married last Saturday. That translates to 16 months of "wedding" going on. It was a nearly constant topic of conversation. More so in the past several months as the wedding got closer and closer. The past two weeks were wedding 24/7.

Now it's over. And I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. I have other stuff going on and other stuff to do, but I almost feel like I have nothing to do since this big thing is now over. I can't imagine how I would feel if it was my wedding!

I am very glad it is over. The stress level plummeted in the days after the wedding. I am exhausted and am just now catching up on all my sleep. I'm not complaining by any means, but I do have to say that I am trying to figure out what to do with myself now.

I feel like I am trying to find a little bit of myself again. The sad part is that I have this crazy desire to call my friend and I can't because she is on her honeymoon. I think I want to call her so bad because I know I can't. You know, like when your nose itches when you have your hands covered in dirt.

I have many more things going on in this month of May. Another wedding (of a family member), Mother's Day, my own birthday and vacation. So I have lots to do and lots more to keep me busy. But even so, I feel kind of empty.

I know this post wasn't diabetes related, but I felt like I needed to get it off my chest and sometimes the diabetes OC is the best place to vent.

Thank you for all you do!

Diabetes in the News

It seems that in the past week diabetes has been all over the news. So much so that I felt I needed to post on the various articles. Many of you in the diabetes OC have already read and posted on these articles. But there are so many that I am going to give a brief run down and post some of my own thoughts on these articles.
First, last week I read this title: Study: Pregnant Women With Pre-Existing Diabetes Doubles. This article was basically a localized study that did not distinguish what type of diabetes the women had. In the article is stated that such pregnancies were very high risk and should be planned. This study did not show how many of these pregnancies were planned either.
Here are my thoughts on this: How do they know that the pregnancies weren't planned? Could the increase in diabetic pregnancies be from the increase in diabetics in general?
None of these things were addressed in this story, so I'm not sure. I do know that before the past couple of years, I have always said that I didn't want children; that I wanted to adopt. This was for numerous reason. I don't really like to get into them, especially now, when my thoughts on pregnancy change on a weekly basis. Maybe now, that more women are seeing successful pregnancies, other diabetics aren't as concerned about pregnancy.
Second article: Denver Broncos quarterback Jay Culter has been diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. I hate to hear that there has been another added to our ranks. It makes me sad. Yet, in spite of all of this, his coaches, and he are continuing to say that this is not the end of his career. This gives hope to others who think that diabetes may limit them in what they can do. So, let us wish Jay Culter luck as he joins our ranks and the ranks of us pumpers. It is with a heavy heart that I welcome you to our world.
Third article: FDA study: Insulin pumps linked to injuries, deaths in teens. I got to work this morning and read this on a news site. I nearly stroked out! The FDA looks at such a limited area in this study that they are pulling out the bad instead of looking at the overall benefits of insulin pumps. Any time you deal with medications of any kind, you are looking at the possibility of adverse affects. This is just standard. You deal with this also with a machine, that always has the chance of breaking, no matter how good it may be. It's not perfect. Add in teenage hormones and the sometimes lax care of diabetes (I went though it too!) and you can have children that are injured or die. But this can go with adults also. Instead of giving a well rounded report, this gives a very narrow look at one aspect of insulin pumps. And it allows the general public to have a negative idea about insulin pumps and diabetics in general. I also think that it might give a negative idea to parents of diabetics or diabetics who might be considering the pump, and haven't made their decision yet.
Fourth article: Government Report Answers Who Lives, Who Dies in Flu Pandemic. In regards to this article, it was a guideline of sorts that was set out by a task force of government and medical professional in the case of a widespread flu pandemic. In the case of this, it could be a bad thing for some diabetics. Here were the guidelines of who would not receive treatment if treatments were not widely available:
— People older than 85.
— Those with severe trauma, which could include critical injuries from car crashes and shootings.
— Severely burned patients older than 60.
— Those with severe mental impairment, which could include advanced Alzheimer's disease.
— Those with a severe chronic disease, such as advanced heart failure, lung disease or poorly controlled diabetes.
There's the big diabetes word. The one thing that gives me comfort is the fact that I have pretty good control of my diabetes. My A1c has been below 7 for some time now and I have no longstanding complications from my almost 23 years with this disease.
I guess this is a good kick in the tail for those who don't take care of themselves. This could be something that might make someone take control. Let's hope so anyway.
Now, we all know that we may go another 6 months before this much about diabetes makes the news. But this past week or so has been so full of this that I have been surprised.

Spray Tanning and My 100th Post

Today I went to get a spray tan. Cause of the whole wedding thing. And I have learned a new thing for all you ladies that are pumping and want to get a spray tan. I timed my site change so that I could rip it out right before getting the tan, and the put the new one in right after.
The tan turned out great. I got back to the vehicle and put the new site in, no problems. Then we went to Old Navy to do a little shopping. In the Old Navy, I decided I wanted to try on an outfit. When I got into the dressing room and took off my shirt, the site was just laying there. Not attached to me at all. I didn't rip it out. I would have felt that. It had just fallen off.
Apparently, spray tan and sticky don't get along. Luckily, I had my emergency set that I carry in my purse and I could change it quickly. Before I put the second site in, I used and alcohol pad to prep the site (while successfully removing all the tan from that small area of my body) and had no more problems.
So ladies, if you get a spray tan, do one of two things, leave the site in and just disconnect. Or use an alcohol pad to prep the site before you put the new one in.
By the way, this is also my 100th post. I wondered if I'd ever get here.

Weddings, Birthdays, and General Stressors

One of my very best friends in the world is getting married on Saturday. This is, in part, why I haven't been posting as regularly. I have been busy with many wedding things. Also, I have helped my baby sister celebrate her 12th birthday. When I really feel like she was just born yesterday. She's now taller than I am. Another of my friends also celebrated a birthday since the last time I posted.

I have been shoe shopping, run all over town trying to find someone to finish making my bridesmaids dress, gone to get a pedicure, made a birthday cake for my sister, and finished school for the semester (with a 101 average! Woo-hoo!).

Tomorrow I go to get a manicure and a spray tan (no time for a tanning bed!). Friday morning I get my hair colored, and Friday afternoon is the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner.

I have been, as I mentioned in a previous post, been dealing with a much larger insulin intake than I am used to. The past couple of days have been decent, blood sugar wise. I haven't had a number over 200 and have averaged, both days, below 140. I can't complain. This has been a little bit of stress relief, since I have been so worried about my blood sugars running high and my insulin intake.

So, here I go, into the month of May. Wish me luck.

Tomorrow is my 2nd anniversary on the pump, by the way.

A new meme that made me smile and a change in insulin intake.

The rules: Make a list of your loves. The only catch? You can’t include a single person you know on your list. No “I love the way my husband laughs” or “I love hearing my little girl call for me.” It’ll be tough, I know. But this particular little exercise is about stripping away everyone who defines you and figuring out what you (not his partner; not their mother/daughter/sister/friend) love.

1) I love music of all kinds. How it makes me feel and makes me express my emotions.
2) I love the smell of fresh cut grass.
3) I love sitting on the bank of the lake watching the water and letting time pass with no concerns.
4) I love the feeling I get when I am watching a play. There's nothing in the world like live theater.
5) I love the feeling of taking a nap on Sunday afternoon after church.
6) I love to see things I've never seen before and go places I've never been before. Travel is something I wish I could afford to do much more of.
7) I love to spend hours in a book store just wandering around looking at random books and reading the book jackets.
8) I love live music. I love to see concerts of almost any kind. This relates back to #1.


I just thought this was a fun little meme. I could go on and on about things I love. But I won't. Currently, I am dealing with major stress that I am almost positive is effecting my insulin intake. For the past 2 years that I have been pumping, I have averaged between 40 and 48 units of insulin intake per day. Some days, of course, there might be a little more or a little less, depending on what's going on around me. But in the past 30 days, I have had around 20 days of over 50 units per day. Some days there have even been over 60 units. The reason I think it is stress related is because (obviously) I am very stressed, but also because my basal rates seem to need changes except at night. This would be when I was the least stressed, since I would be asleep.
CGMS has helped me see these patterns, but I am at a loss as to what to do about it. I had an appointment yesterday with my CDE. She wanted to make some changes, but I convinced her to let me wait until June to do any of these changes since my life is going to calm down (hopefully) at the end of May. I have another appointment in mid-June with my CDE. And an appointment in May with my endo.
I have usually seen an increase in weight when my insulin intake goes up. This has not been the case this time. I have actually lost weight. Not much, but enough that it doesn't make a whole lot of sense.
Maybe things will change after May. Maybe things will settle back down in my world and my insulin intake will go back to what it was before.
Let's hope.

Raise Your Voice!

This day, Kerri has dubbed Type 1 Awareness Day. Raise your voice, type 1's!
This is my perspective on Type 1 diabetes. I will have been a Type 1 diabetic for 23 years in just a few months. In many ways, it's all I've ever known. My memories, pre-diabetes, are few and far between.
I have shared stories on this blog in the past about my diagnosis. I have shared tales of good days with diabetes, and bad days with diabetes.
I have shared the frustrations of many other Type 1's, as we are too often grouped in with Type 2 diabetics, and told to "exercise" or "quit eating junk foods".
In this online world, I have found others who share my triumphs, my trials, and my daily life that is constantly wrapped up in diabetes.
My greatest desire is to have a more common understanding of diabetes, both Type 1 and Type 2, in the media and the general public. I want people to understand that I don't have "sugar", as many people like to call it here in the south. I have an auto-immune disease known as Type 1 diabetes that will stay with me for the rest of my life, unless there is a cure.
But there are a host of other wishes I have for my diabetes, and diabetes in general:
- I wish to be able to take a job without the need to interview my employer about insurance benefits.
- I wish to be able to tell someone I have diabetes and have the look at me like I am going to die.
- I wish to be able to keep the around $120 per month that I spend on out of pocket costs for my medicine. (This does not include my insurance premiums.)
-I wish to be able to go on a trip without taking an entire carry-on bag of nothing but meds.
-I wish to be able to know that if I chose to have children, they will not have to live with this disease like I have.
- I wish for my mother and father and countless other friends and family to not have to worry about me because I live alone.

-I wish to be able to tell people that I USED to have diabetes.

So, fellow Type 1's: RAISE YOUR VOICE!

One Year Later...

I write this post one day early because my tomorrow is going to be filled with friends and cakes and bridal showers for my best friend's upcoming wedding.
One year ago tomorrow I posted my first blog post. Inspired by Kerri over at Six Until Me, whom I stumbled across by surfing around on dLife, I ran across this world of people just like me. I knew there were other diabetics in the world. I had, after all, attended diabetes camp for 2 years when I was a child. I even knew a few Type 1's and a couple of Type 2's in my every day life.
But Kerri introduced me to this world of the Diabetes On-line Community. Her Blogroll is what led me to enter this world. I began reading about other diabetics and their lives. I ran across the blogs of parents who's children had diabetes which gave me a whole new perspective on what my parents lived through (and still do) when I was diagnosed with diabetes.
I met new people, though not in real life, like Amylia and Donna and Jillian. I discovered what a sussy was, learned about new pump sites, found the wonderful IIMC's (also known as pump packs), and discovered the generosity of virtual strangers like Bernard.
This community has meant so much to me in so many ways. I feel like I know most of you, even though we have never met. The common thread of diabetes connects us.
I know I don't blog as often as some others do, but I read faithfully. Even when I am not blogging, I am always getting support from your posts.
So thanks to all those in the d-blog world. You have become an important part of my life in the past 365 days, and I hope to continue to see you all here on-line as our lives and trials with diabetes continue.

A Long Week....Already

It is only Wednesday, but it has been a loonnnggg week already. Every day has seemed to drag by. Is it just me, or are others experiencing this also?

Yesterday, however, was a great fun day. The Women's NCAA basketball championship was last night in Tampa. My lovely Lady Vols played Stanford, and won their 8th National Championship. :) I can't complain. I had a great time watching the game and yelling at the tv.

Sadly, 5 of the players (all starters) were seniors and were all drafted into the WNBA today. So, essentially we will be starting all over again next year. But Pat Summit has a way of getting the best out of the best, so I have no doubt we will be on top again within a few years. Maybe even next year.

So congrats to Pat Summit and the Lady Vols on your 8th National Championship.

Change of subject: Today I was a very bad diabetic. I don't drink orange juice. For two reasons. It gives me severe heart burn (the kind that lasts for days) and it makes my blood sugar crazy. This morning I drank orange juice. It was delicious. Luckily, I had a friend who gave me some heart burn medicine that staved off the heart burn. But the crazy blood sugars... no go. I gave the proper amount of insulin. But 2 hours later: 324. But by lunch I was down to 94. Although I know that high blood sugar was NOT good for me, I was very happy to get to drink some o.j. It may be another 2 years before I have any more (it's been at least that long since the last time I had any). So I figure I don't have to worry too much about the crazy blood sugars.

Also, this afternoon I got a crick in my neck. I am currently sitting here with a heat wrap on my neck and have done a whole lot of nothing this evening, trying to get the pain to go away. This happens to be occasionally. Usually it's in times of great stress and it's usually when I don't realize how much stress I am under! Hopefully I will go to sleep tonight and wake up tomorrow feeling much better. Otherwise it will mean a trip to the doctor to get a muscle relaxer and a trip to the chiropractor for a neck and back adjustment.

Let's all hope it goes away tonight since I have my best friend's bridal shower cakes to make on Friday...

I hope everyone in the Diabetes OC is doing well. I promise, I am getting back to this whole blogging thing.

Blessings in Times of Stress

I have a million things going on in my life right now. This is (mostly) why I haven't been posting. I have had things to post, yes. But getting the time or energy to do it has been hard. When I have free time I have been vegging out or talking with friends. I have been out of town 3 times in the past month. I am preparing for my best friend's bridal shower and wedding (now only 1 month away) and have basically been going a little bit crazy.
During this time, CGMS has been a really good thing for me. I took it off for about a week at one point and just couldn't handle life without it. I admit it, I've become spoiled. I can do without it, I just don't want to. It's not perfect, but has really helped me out.
One night (when I did not have the CGMS on) I woke up and couldn't go back to sleep. After thinking I should test, I found my blood sugar was 48. With CGMS, it wouldn't have gone below 65. And I wouldn't have felt like crap the next morning.
Emotionally, I have been going through quite a bit as of late. This is another reason I haven't really been blogging. I hate to get on here and complain all the time. Due to the things I have been stressing over, my blood sugar has been very crazy at time. This also makes me very glad I got the CGMS.
And even though I haven't been posting regularly, I have been reading pretty regularly. All of your blogs out there in the diabetes OC have really helped to keep me grounded and knowing that I have a place I can come to and find friends who deal with life every day, just like I do.
I am truly blessed, and I have been trying to remind myself of that daily. For all of you out there who have wanted to know when I would post again, here it is. And be prepared for more postings in this month of April. I am going to get back on the wagon and rejoin this world. ;)

Sugar-Free

This is going to be a short post. Short and sweet (pun intended). Am I a horrible person for refusing to eat items that are "sugar-free"? The only thing I consume on a regular basis, that is classified as "sugar-free" is my diet drinks.

Even as a child, I never enjoyed "diabetic foods". I thought they tasted funny. As I grew up, I continued to get lots of "sugar-free" this and that. It wasn't until I learned about carb counting that I realized "sugar-free" doesn't mean I can have it and not worry.

In many ways this was liberating for me. To me, it was a chance to no longer feel guilty when eating "real" sugar foods. And to not feel bad when saying, "I'd rather not eat 'diabetic' foods." I loved that. I still do.

I also wonder why they bother selling "sugar-free" foods at all. The only reason I can figure out is the fact that it sells! For so long the world was taught that diabetics were not to have any processed sugars. And it took hold. Now comes the complex task of un-doing this mindset.

Am I a "bad" diabetic for this? Should I mindlessly eat the "sugar-free" products that taste awful and cause horrible digestive issues? What is your opinion on "sugar-free"?

The inspiration for this post: the many childhood Easter baskets I received packed full of "sugar-free" candy.

(Apparently the make "sugar-free" peeps. I can't stand regular peeps. They make me nauseous. I wonder, though, what the "sugar-free" peeps taste like...)

I hope you have all had a wonderful, blessed Easter. Rejoice! He is Risen!

Happy St. Paddy's Day!

I love St. Patrick's Day. I don't know why, I just always have. It makes me smile. My friends make fun of me and tell me that it's because I'm really a leprechaun because I'm so short. I just laugh. Maybe it's true.

Due to being adopted, I don't know a lot about my family heritage. I know my mother's mother was of German decent and I believe my mother's father was of English, Irish, or Welsh decent, but I'm not sure. And I know nothing about my father's side.

So, I like to think that I really do have some Irish blood in me and that's why I like St. Patrick's Day so much. :)

I hope you have all had a wonderful day. I had a pretty decent day. I met with my Certified Diabetes Educator. It was nice. We didn't do anything major as far as changes go, but I talked with her about the ace inhibitors, my exercise and how to handle my blood sugars during this time, and about how my sensor has been working.

I really like my CDE, which is nice. We get along well and she's easy to talk to. Right now it was just more or less a way to get a second opinion and a second set of eyes on my blood sugars to see where we might fine tune. I'd really like to get my A1c lower and this may help.

Feeling Blue

For the past week or so I have been feeling a little bit blue. Since my doctor's appointment, I have really been feeling overwhelmed, unstimulated, and just kind of down in the dumps. I have been in the long process of getting myself out of this funk.

I've keep on thinking to myself, "I really need to blog. I need the support." But sadly, I haven't been able to make that move.

Last night I had a mini breakdown. I felt horrible, my blood sugar was low, I was stressed, and all I wanted to do was cry. Instead, I went to bed at around 8:30 (no worries about the blood sugar, I was doing well before I went to bed). I slept all night long and woke up this morning feeling much better.

Today I have been making an effort to be a little bit more positive in general. It's not perfect, buy I'm getting there. I am feeling motivated to clean my apartment (which is a big plus!), pay all my bills, and blog again. This, I think, is a step forward.

I don't get in these moods very often, but when I do, it is no fun and I annoy myself.

On bright point in my week was a surprise sussy from the wonderful Donna at Donnabetes. She knows how much I love my University of Tennessee! And so she sent me this wonderful IIMC:

I ordered one in the school's colors of orange and white, but when I did, I had been looking for the pink material and couldn't find it. Donna knew this and ran across some of the material.

This is such a wonderful part about the community that we have here. Selflessness and care from people we have never met. That is so important to my life and my diabetes care.

Thanks, Donna.

If any of you are looking for a way to carry your insulin pumps, you really should check out her site here. There is also a link on the right side of my page.

Misconceptions

I took this quiz today on FoxNews in their health section. This is a gross misconception on the last question that lumps all diabetics together. It disturbs me. Continually. The only positive thing I can say is that the answer does state it is Type 2 diabetics. But they answer I gave should have been correct also. Sigh

Dr. Manny's Health Quiz
Quiz Results
Your correct answers are in grey and your incorrect answers are in red.
1. People with diabetes frequently experience certain symptoms including feeling thirsty, frequent urination, weight loss and blurry vision.
Right! The correct answer is true: Not only are all these symptoms associated with diabetes, people may also experience irritability, tingling or numbness of the hands and feet and wounds that won't heal.
2. People get diabetes by consuming excessive amounts of sugar over a lifetime.
Right! The correct answer is false: Although diabetes can occur in anyone, some risk factors include family history, obesity, high cholesterol, high blood pressure and physical inactivity.
3. There is no effective treatment available for diabetes.
Right! The correct answer is false: Although there are certain differences in treatment between type 1 or type 2 diabetes, there are treatments which include having a meal plan, exercise, insulin injections and oral agents which all could help manage the high levels of sugar in the body.
4. Poorly managed diabetes can lead to heart attacks, strokes, blindness, kidney failure and blood vessel damage.
Right! The correct answer is true: By not keeping your sugars in as normal range as possible, cell destruction will begin to occur and ultimately, your overall health will begin to deteriorate.
5. Diabetes can be prevented.
Wrong! The correct answer is true: Type 2 diabetes or adult onset diabetes can be prevented by changing your lifestyle. Even small things like modest weight loss (10% of your body weight) and modest physical activity (30 minutes of exercise per day) can prevent you from developing diabetes.

An Endo Appointment and Retail Therapy

I am a firm believer in retail therapy. Most women would agree with me on this on. Today was a need for retail therapy for me.

I had my 3 month appointment with my endo. I had some of my data printed off MiniMed's Care Link, and was ready to go. I had my blood drawn for my A1c last week. I was interested to know what my A1c was since my last appointment they did my test in office and I felt it was wrong.

When they gave me my results back, it was just as I guessed: 6.7. Much higher than the in office test then did last time, and more reflective of the home testing results that I get.

I wasn't terrible disappointed, but am still actively working to get my A1c below 6. That is my ultimate goal.

My doctor also told me that when they checked my blood pressure it was 137 over 75. That is outrageous for me! My top number is typically between 96 and 110. I nearly stroked out when he told me this. I just had my blood pressure checked two weeks ago and it was 98 over 70. So I am wondering if it was just a fluke. I told my doctor this and he said he wouldn't start me on any type of blood pressure medicine.

Then he started talking about long term care and starting me on ace inhibitors. This stressed me out greatly. I have no need for ace inhibitors at this time. I am not spilling protein in my urine and I have no other problems that are diabetes related except high cholesterol (under control with meds) and the start of cataracts on both my eyes.

He told me that ace inhibitors were something that we should probably start in the next few years anyway just because it is supposed to protect your blood vessels. I don't know. I am confused and stressed.

My understanding has always been that ace inhibitors were for people who were showing signs of kidney failure. I have none. Does anyone have any opinions on this? Are any of you on ace inhibitors to prevent damage?

He was also telling me that if you are pregnant, ace inhibitors can damage the fetus within the first month. Although I am not planning pregnancy any time in the near future, how many people actually know the are pregnant in the first month??? Yet another reason to freak me completely out.

My endo did want to see me again in 2 months. I am guessing it is because he wants to see more data trends with my CGMS.

After this appointment I was so stressed about the blood pressure and the ace inhibitors, that I needed retail therapy. I promptly went to the boutique that sells the make-up I love, and promptly spent $93. This is the biggest failing I have had in my finances in a long, long time. But, I just got my tax return back, so it wasn't the end of the world.

And I figure it this way, if I am going to have to go on ace inhibitors and blood pressure meds, I might as well look beautiful while I do it. :)

On the positive side, I joined the gym. I have gone 4 of the past 6 days and am hoping that I can keep myself on track. I want to loose some weight and I know exercise is essential to a diabetics health. I have just never done it cause I HATE to exercise. I joined for 1 month and if I can make myself keep going this month, I will join the year next month.