Lifesaver

I found out last week that BCBS of TN is going to be making their decision regarding if they are going to continue to pay for CGMS for certain patients. The decision is supposed to be in the next week or so. I have known that CGMS coverage was important. I have even know that CGMS coverage was important to me. But I didn't realize how important it was until last night.

After having only 1 low in the past two months, I have been fighting lows for days. On Tuesday I had 2 lows. Wednesday 1. Thursdays I had one in the afternoon and another yesterday evening during the graduation of one of my oldest and dearest friends.

As I stood in the back of the room, holding her 2 year old son as he yelled "Yeah Mommy!" even though no one else was yelling, I knew my blood sugar was dropping. I had rung in at 79 right before the ceremony and quickly ate a cupcake, no icing, before I headed off to the church where the service was being held.

During the ceremony, I tested again. 68. Drank some juice. Later in the ceremony, tested again, 69. Ate 4 glucose tabs since I was out of juice.

After the ceremony, there was a small reception. By the time I got to the table, my blood sugar had dropped to 49. I was shaky and sweaty. I drank a cup of punch and by the time I left the church, I was back at 89.

I came home, ate a little something. When it came time for bed I was 160. I gave a bolus since I knew I had eaten and not bolused earlier. I didn't want to fight a raging rebound.

I went to bed.

Suddenly, around 1:30, my pump was wailing and vibrating and it woke me with a start. I rolled over and realized immediately that I was low. I was having trouble with my movement. I tested, somehow, and rang in at 36.

I can't remember a time when I have been that low and still be alert. I reached up to my bedside table and grabbed the juice box that resides there and drank. I waited. Trying not to fall back asleep, but knowing that my pump would start going off again in a few minutes. After 20 minutes passed I realized I was floating in and out of sleep. I re-tested. 39. Not coming up quickly enough for me I made myself get out of bed. I turned on every light that I passed and came into the kitchen where I consumed two more juice boxes, a spoonful of peanut butter and a single size cup of ice cream. Total cab intake (including the first juice box) was 57 grams.

I was in haze and I knew it.

I was dripping in a cold sweat and burning up at the same time. I kicked my air conditioner down so it would come on.

I contemplated calling someone to let them know what was going on. I was afraid to sit down or lay down because I thought I might pass out. I thought about getting out my glucogon shot and using it on myself.

I ended up walking around my kitchen for an hour. I finally tested again. 89. I feel safe to sleep. But I was still afraid.

I knew, in my mind, that my blood sugar had dropped so quickly the sensor couldn't keep up. And unlike previous times in my life, I didn't wake myself up naturally when I hit 45 or 50.

Had I not had my CGMS I fully believe I wouldn't have woken up. I think I would either be dead or in a hospital right now. I live alone. I would have been hours before anyone realized anything was wrong.

And that scares me so badly that I don't have words. I don't have anything to say.

So I have two options if BCBS decides to stop paying for my sensors. I can get a second job and try to pay for them myself. Or I can find a very understanding roommate.

Desperation

I had my endo appointment today and I was severely disappointed. He had ordered a thyroid blood test, but no A1c. They did it in the office again. In my finger. Instant results. I STILL don't think these can be so accurate. I just don't see how they can be. And my fears were confirmed when the results came back 6.3.

I'm sorry, but there is no WAY my A1c is that low. My blood sugars have almost been out of control for the past 2 months. Very very few lows. In fact, until today (I had 2), I hadn't had a low in weeks. And my blood sugars have been fighting highs all the time. Correcting, correcting, correcting again.

Also, I have been having some discomfort with my feet. I'm not sure if it is diabetic nerve damage or if it could be from a vitamin D deficiency.

When I mentioned to my doctor about the discomfort in my feet and asked about vitamin D he said it was a possibility, increased my vitamin D intake, and said he'd request the test to check for vitamin D deficiency. So far, so good.

When I told him I thought my A1c should be higher, based on my blood sugar readings and my CGMS readings, he asked what I thought it should be. I said high 6's or low 7's. He laughed and said, that's not that much of a difference from the 6.3. You are obsessive.

Um, yeah. I am. I should be. I've been a diabetic for 23 years and am trying to keep myself complication free for as long as possible.

Then he gave me the orders for my vitamin D test and a microalbumin test and said "see ya in 3 to 6 months". Shuffled me out the door. Next patient please. No changes to my basal rates. No changes to anything. Even when I told him about my blood sugars.

Um, okay. You aren't going to test the vitamin D now? Okay. I'm obsessive. I get it.

Usually he is running behind. I've been seeing him for almost 4 years now. He's always in a hurry, but he usually talks to me. He didn't really listen to me this time. It annoyed me. I didn't like it. It made me angry that he thinks I'm obsessive.

I realize that not everyone is as serious about their diabetic care as I am. I've not always been this way. But I realize the wear and tear this disease has on my body. I know that I am spending precious time and the better I take care of myself, the more healthy time I get.

What do I do? Do I look for another endo? That's what I want to do. But I've been with him a long time now.

Do I go back to see him in January and see what happens then? I just don't know.

What would you do? How would you handle it? I just feel like I was blown off.

Weekend Pointless Post

Okay, has anyone seen the new JC Penny's commercial? The spoof of the Breakfast Club? I can't decide if I love it or hate it.
Technically, it's target audience is the Junior High/High School age children from about 12 thru 18. At least, that's what I would think a commercial that's advertising back to school clothing would be aimed at.
But yet The Breakfast Club was release in 1985. The year I was diagnosed with diabetes. I remember the movie growing up. In fact, I have it in my DVD collection as part of my tribute to all things 80s. It sits on my media stand right next to Pretty in Pink and St. Elmo's Fire.
People my age and a little older, we "get" this commercial. I would venture to say that most of the children that this commercial is targeting have never seen this movie.
I may be wrong, but I can tell you that my 14 year old nephew, my 19 year old niece, and my 12 year old sister have never seen it.
So basically, love it? Hate it? I still can't decide.



I know it's not diabetes related today, but it's what I was thinking. :)
If nothing else, enjoy the video. And have a wonderful, stress free weekend.

A Mental Disease

I fully believe diabetes is a mental disease. Now don't get all defensive on me! Diabetes is a disease that your pancreas doesn't work or doesn't work well enough, causing a rise of glucose in the blood. I understand that.

I'm talking about the mental part of dealing with this disease. It's something that I think many people don't think about or realize.

People talk about dealing with a diagnosis of cancer or some other chronic illness. But I think sometimes people overlook diabetes as a mental disease.

Diabetes is something that I deal with 24 hours a day. Every day. With no vacations. I can not deal with it, sure. But it's going to deal with me regardless.

I am one of the lucky ones who doesn't remember my life before diabetes. But I still deal with it in a very personal way, every single day. Some days I get down in the mouth because my blood sugars won't level out. Somedays I am thrilled with a lower A1c. Some days I feel like I don't know what I'm doing. But every day it's here.

I think about those of you in the diabetes OC who deal with diabetes having been diagnosed later in life. When you were able to remember life before. And having to change all of your life in order to deal with diabetes.

I think about those of you who are parents of diabetic children, and how much diabetes is a mental disease for you also.

I have been so lucky to be surrounded by people who have supported me when I deal with diabetes on the mental level. It's helped me to deal with the emotional issues that come with the diabetes "package".

Some people may not have that support system in place, or may not know how to use it. So to you, I encourage you to seek help. From a pastor, a friend, or even a professional. Deal with diabetes. Don't let it rule you. You rule it.

Arguing with Myself

The past few days have been crazy for me. Starting Saturday, I have done nothing but fight with my blood sugars.

I have not had a single low. I've been fighting highs. Some even over 350. This is so uncommon for me. Especially since I have been on CGMS.

In fact, getting a number that's close to 150 has been a huge thrill for me. Just to see something below 200 has been wonderful.

I go to get blood work done this week for my endo appointment on Tuesday. I know these numbers are going to screw everything up. I know when my endo downloads all my information that he is going to yell at me. Well, he doesn't really yell, but it's his equivalent of yelling.

I also know the problem. I haven't been counting my carbs well. Or eating the "good" carbs that I know are kind to my blood sugars.

So instead, I have been arguing with myself.

"Don't eat that cereal! God, why did you even buy it?? You know what it does to your blood sugars."

"And TORTILLA CHIPS??? Are you CRAZY? You can't stop with 1 oz, you know that!"

"How many carbs are in that Amish bread your co-worker brought???? 40 you say? Yeah right! More like 70!"

And for this, I have been paying. I know what I need to do, but I don't want to do it for some reason. Right now, I just want to scream and yell and not be a diabetic.

I want to not feel like crap right now. I want my blood sugars to stay between 70 and 140 all day long. I want to not worry about what I'm eating.

I guess I'm just a little frustrated with diabetes right now. I want it to do what I want, but I don't want to do the work.

So, right now, I'm arguing with my "good" self and my "bad" self.

The good me says, "A piece of low carb toast and an egg is what you want for breakfast."

The bad me says, "Oh, you're late for work already! Eat the cereal."

And unfortunately, right now, the "bad" self is winning.

The Report Card

I know that we are told, time and time again, not to look at the A1c as a "report card". But in a lot of ways, that's really what it is. It's a literal progress report of out last 3 months of blood sugars. Just like in school, we get an average of our "grades".

In school a 90 is a good, solid average. Not perfect, but not bad either. But in that average of 90, there may be five 100's and a 60.

In our A1c, we may have a great number, but have some days that we could get below 180. Or a day that we fought lows all day and had several numbers lower than 75.

In both cases it is an average.

I have been reading blogs on a pretty regular basis. There have been several in the past couple of weeks that are talking about recent A1c results. One was thrilled with a 6.8. Another happy with a 7.1.

To me, this is where A1c's stop being report cards. It's not about reaching a certain number. It's about feeling your best and doing what you can to make progress toward a better number. For me, I want to be in the low 6's. But for someone else, who has more trouble or who has had a history of higher numbers, reaching 7.0 might be a proud moment.

So what's an "A" on my report card, might not be an "A" for you. And that's okay.

I say, set your own goals, with the help of your doctor, and reach for those goals. Don't compare yourself to me and I won't compare myself to you.

On that note, I go to get blood work done this week to prepare for my endo appointment on the 26th. Wish me luck.

Absolutely everything and nothing is going on right now. I've been very busy with church, friends, and cake decorating all week long. This weekend is going to be crazy, so probably no posts for a few days.
By the way, I am going to be meeting a fellow diabetic (although not a blogger or a member of TuDiabetes to my knowledge [I am working on it!]) this weekend. I will be posting all about this meeting sometime next week.
By the way, I know it's small, but check out my Wee Me on the upper right corner of my page. I (it) has on a Jonas Brothers shirt. :)
Also, don't forget about the Tennessee Gathering! Spread the word and let me know if you'll be there.

Gathering Date Set

Okay, for all of you that commented here and on TuDiabetes, I have set a time, date and place for a Tennessee gathering. However, it is not limited to Tennesseans, bloggers, or TuDiabetes members. Let lots of people know. Anyone is welcome.

Date: October 11, 2008

Time: 1:00 p.m. - 4:00 p.m.

Place: Cane Creek Park, Shelter #2, Cookeville, TN!

I am still open to suggestions on either a potluck type deal, or just hanging out and then going as a group to eat at one of the many local restaurants. Either way is fine for me.

If you are interested in attending, please let me know, either by posting here that you are coming, or by visiting TuDiabetes.com and the events section, where you can RSVP.

For directions, please contact me and I will try to e-mail them to you. If you put the physical address of the park in google or yahoo maps, it takes you the long way and it's very confusing. I can make it much simpler for you.

Thankful and Blessed

I went to church tonight to be greeted with the news that a friend of mine lost her husband day before yesterday. My church has a phone tree, but I don't get the calls as I have a cell phone and it doesn't call cell phones.
She and her teenage daughter teach with me in my Mighty Mites class (5-6 year olds). Her youngest child is in my Mighty Mites class. They have 3 children total, ranging from age 15 to age 5. The family is also in my cell group (kind of like a mini-church that meets twice a month).
My heart aches for this family, who lost their father/husband. It's one of those things where I am helpless to do anything but pray.
Our entire class of 5-6 year olds prayed with the youngest child tonight in class. It was such a blessing to see these little children praying with their child-like faith.
I feel blessed and thankful that I have my family. I don't always get along with them, but they love me, and I them. And they are a blessing to me. And seeing someone else loose a member of their family makes me all that much more thankful for my family.
I know this post isn't diabetes related, but it is heart and emotion related, which I think diabetes also is. So those of you who pray, please pray for this suddenly single mother and her 3 children. They are going to need all the prayers they can get in the next weeks and months.

Readers

I know there are those of you who faithfully read as many blogs as you can. I have several of you who regularly comment on my blog.

But sometimes I feel like no one is reading. I am sure that some of you deal with this too.

Logically, I know there are some people reading.

Illogically, I think no one is.

The other day I was catching up on my blog reading when I came across this post on Lemonade Life. Allison was covering several topics, but posted a website called All Top. It is apparently a site that you can look up a topic or subject and get links to other helpful websites, blogs, etc.

All Top has a diabetes page.

Allison's blog is listed there, along with Kerri's, Amylia's, Donna's, Kelly's and a whole bunch of others....including mine.

I was shocked to see it there. All total, there are probably 30 or so blog sites listed, but I was still surprised to see mine also listed there. It made me happy to know that someone was reading. And that others might find me because of All Top.

I don't write to get attention. I don't write to be famous. I write for myself. But it's nice to know that someone is paying attention.

I am....

I am a diabetic. Type 1. For the past 23 years. I barely remember life before diabetes. Sometimes it seems like diabetes is the center of my world. Other times, it is just a part of my life; insignificant and small, but always there.

Recently, diabetes has taken that "smaller" role in my life. The lack of blog posts would reflect this. As I thought about this last night I began to thing of all the things I am, other than a diabetic.

I am a daughter, sister, niece, granddaughter.

I am a friend, god-mother, co-worker.

I am a Christian.

I am a teacher.

I am a reader, a writer.

I am a knitter, a scrapbooker.

I am a computer junkie.

I am a musical lover.

I am a music lover.

I am a lousy housekeeper.

I am a photographer.

I am a cake decorator.

I am dramatic.

I am crazy.

I am shy and out-going.

I am stubborn.

I am a lover of theater.

I am a dreamer.

I am so many things, other than a diabetic. Yet diabetes is part of everything that I am.