New Year's

I know it's a little late, but I was out of town. This might be a terribly long blog, but I have lots to say.
First off, I have to thank Amylia for the wonderful postcard she sent me before leaving Taiwan. It's beautiful. And a really cool souvenir. Also, lots of healthy thoughts I am sending her way since she and Figgy are not feeling well right now.

Secondly, I hope everyone had a safe and fun New Year. I had a really good night New Year's Eve and managed to be in bed by 1:30. Pretty good by my standards. I'm getting way too old to pull the all nighters. I was ready to crash by 10:00.

Thirdly, I have made some non-resolutions. I really don't like to call them resolutions because I will end up breaking them. Here are my non-resolutions:

1. Start exercising. I hate to exercise, but I know I need to.

2. Start taking fiddle lessons and/or violin lessons. I need to use my Christmas present!

3. Travel somewhere new. I am not sure where or when or even how. But I want to go somewhere that I haven't been before.

These may seem pretty easy to do. They are basic. That's how I need 'em. Otherwise, they will never get done!

Lastly, I want to share one of my bad diabetes moments from this weekend. I don't know about everyone else, but when I am out of town or out of my normal routine, my blood sugars can be completely crazy. Having an insulin pump helps a lot, but sometimes, not enough. I spent the long weekend with a friend and her family. They have really treated me like one of their own and have done a lot to make me feel like a part of their family. I love to spend time with them.

Saturday we spent most of the day working on the farm. They have a working farm with horses and cattle. That day, they were putting shavings in barn stalls. I always work when I'm with them. I like it. It's different. Some of it is stuff I've never done before. Some of it is.

It's also more physical exercise than I am used to. All day on Saturday I was chasing high blood sugars with insulin. I had nothing under 180 all day long. I even started stacking insulin, which I try desperately not to do since I know it can lead to lows, which I typically don't catch.

We ate dinner late that night; around 8:00. It was fast food and a type of fast food that I don't typically eat. I knew that I needed to be careful about how I gave my insulin since my blood sugar was already around 100 (my first normal reading all day long!). I bolused with a pretty good guess (so I thought), ate, and went with my friend and her brother to get on the Internet. I wanted to check my e-mail (I was having major e-mail withdrawls!) and they were looking up songs.

It couldn't have been more than 30 to 45 minutes after eating dinner when I started to feel sick. Not a sick that would say "Hey! You are having a low!" It was more like an "I'm really tired and dinner made me sick to my stomach." type of feeling. I even started feeling a little claustrophobic. I asked my friend's brother, who was sitting in front of the door, to move so I could get out. I vaguely remember walking to the kitchen and laying my head on the table.

I must have fallen asleep for a minute because I jerked back awake when I heard someone come in the kitchen. Then I just picked up my meter, opened the case & checked. I don't remember looking at the number, but the next thing I know my friend's mother asks me how the result was. She had to ask me twice for me to answer her.

I remember saying "I'm low. I need juice." In my mind, I knew I had a juice box upstairs in my purse, but my body wouldn't move. She must have told me there was juice in the fridge because the next thing I know I was in front of the fridge with the door open just staring. I couldn't focus. I couldn't find the juice. She came over, handed to me and I sat back down at the table.

I tried to open the bottle of juice, but couldn't. I don't remember him coming in, but my friend's brother was sitting at the table and I pushed the juice at him and said, "Open." He did. I downed the whole bottle in one gulp and then just started crying. I just cried and cried.

By this time, pretty much everyone in the house was in the kitchen with me. My friend's sister and boyfriend were also there. They told me later I cried and said it was because I thought my friend's sister was going to make fun of me.

I also started eating cookies. I know better than to do this, but when your blood sugar after juice is 66, you just start to eat automatically.

I remember bits and pieces of the whole thing. The rest they filled me in on. I haven't had a low that bad in several years. One where I had no control or ability to care for myself. It scared me. I hate crying, but when I have a low that bad, that's all I can do.

I hate that feeling of helplessness. That feeling of knowing what I need to be doing and having the inability to do it for myself.

I felt guilty. I hate depending on others to care for me. I know they didn't really care. My friend's father has Type 2 diabetes. They deal with this also. But I still hate doing that to someone. I think that's part of the reason I cry.

The rest of my weekend was good. I had a good time. Got to spend some quality time with my friend, whom I don't see nearly enough.

But to ruin a perfect weekend, the big D had to rear it's ugly head.

There is not cure for diabetes. Yet. (Thanks for that line Amylia)