Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Diabetes is MY Disease

I have an appointment at my endocrinologist’s office in just a couple of weeks. I’m not seeing her. My appointment with her couldn’t be made until October. But I am seeing her nurse practitioner. I don’t have a problem with that. I like them both and they are both very good at what they do. I worry though. I am worried about how to handle the fact that I haven’t been doing what I should be. I have no idea what my A1c is. I am terrified that it’s going to be at a level that I haven’t seen in years.
But every time I go, it always comes down to the same question: “What are you going to do to fix it?” And that question is for me. They never come right out and say that, and they always offer to help me with anything I need. But the truth of the matter is that my lax diabetes care right now isn’t because of messed up basal rates or insulin to carb ratios. It’s due to the fact that I haven’t been on top of things like I should be and I know it. And they are going to ask what’s been going on, and I’m going to have to be honest.

Truthfully, I’m hoping that this appointment will kick me back into gear. Sometimes that external motivation is what I need. Emotionally, I’m doing better than I was a week or so ago. Oftentimes when I write about what I’m dealing with it helps me to process it and deal with it. Now I just have to attack the other areas. I need to make myself goals and I need to stick to them. I need to stop feeling so out of control with my life and my diabetes. I need to stop depending so much on my CGMS readings, and depending more on actual blood glucose tests.

It’s all one day at a time. Waking up and being able to say, “I’m going to do the best I can this morning.” And then saying at lunchtime, “I’m going to do the best that I can for the rest of the day.” At this point, I don’t even want to try to do a whole day at a time. And that’s okay. I know, ultimately, that I want to have the best diabetes control possible. And I know I’m the only one that can do that. Diabetes is my doctor’s disease for those 20 minutes I’m in her office. Diabetes is my disease every other second of every other day. Diabetes isn’t a doctor’s disease. It’s the patient’s disease. If I want to have a good, long, healthy life, I have to be the one to make it that way.


Colleen said...

Ummm, Cara
You can do this!

kim said...

ummmm...like colleen said ~ you can do this!!!

i know exactly where you're coming from, having been there only a few short months ago. take it one hour at a time, one morning at a time, one afternoon at a time. you will get there! right now, i too, must make a goal, and stick to it. i know i have to walk everyday, both for my diabetes but also for my heart. i am taking it one day at a time, because my grandkids depend on me. pick your goal, and stick to it and remember, we are here for you!!!

Ronnie Gregory said...

Hey Cara
Like Colleen and Kim said, You can jump back into it, and I understand just how frustrating the D can get, sometimes just one slip and everything comes crushing down, this very thing happened to me last year, I blame it on a bad batch of medication I was taking at the time needless to say, it took me all year to get back on the previous levels as someone once said, "we fall so we can get up again" ( I think it was actually a quote in a Batman movie)Am sure you can and will get up again.

k2 said...

You can do this - And you will do this!

Laura said...

I totally get where you are coming from. Sometimes I make the appointment for two months from now in the hopes that I'll have myself together by then. Of course, I never do and then I want to postpone it and .... well, you probably know how that feels.

This stupid disease is a marathon, girl, and even if there are times you have to walk a mile or so, just keep putting one foot in front of the other. You'll make it.

The Kimlers said...

Cara- I'm so sorry to hear you current diabetes state. It's not easy being at this point where you wish you had the motivation to do better, to know what to do and then continue to slump down. Keep using us as your tool of release, we are here for you. It's hard right now, i've been there many times too, and I know you can do this. You can bounce back and feel better about life again soon. I know it's hard to see that now, but you have such a lively positive spirit, and it will come back. Make your goals, work at it one day at a time, or like me, one meal at a time and keep it up. We are here for you!!!

The DL said...

I know that feeling, but know it is important to go. The best part is you can start again at ANY point. We are here for you as well.

Meri said...

Agreed, you CAN do this! :)

And writing things out helps clear my brain too...I hope this post jump starts you to achieving you goals!

Scully said...

*grumble grumble groan* I swear everything you just said goes through my head before every single appointment. It's always too late to worry about it because it's too late to do anything about it.
I feel for you. Chin up and put your armour on before your appointment.

Hallie Addington said...

You can SO do this! I don't know what it's like to be the one with D, but as the one who is responsible for D care of my child, the tedium does get to you. I can only imagine... I love Ronnie's quote - We fall so we can get up again. Just keep getting up! And we're here if you need a hand!

claire said...

My grandmom has a diabetes. We are doing our best to take care of her because we know how hard it is to have the Big-D.

Try read books or surf the net with information that may help you best manage your disease. Join organizations. There are support groups, I heard. You can gain friends also. In time, you'll get through with it.

Good luck!

Best Regards,

Karen said...

I'm so so late to comment on this post - but hang in there!!!! I totally agree with your idea of taking it one portion of the day at a time. A whole day can easily feel overwhelming. And if something goes wrong in the first few hours, it's easy to just chuck the whole day's effort. Just keep going, one section at a time!! And call if you need to vent!