Scar Tissue Issue

I love that the title of this post rhymes. It kind of makes me laugh. And this little problem is one that I NEED to laugh at. Otherwise it makes me want to bawl my eyes out.

Let me start at the beginning… Several months ago I started having infusion sets give me “NO DELIVERY” alarms quite a bit. Always within the first 12 hours of a new infusion site; mostly within the first few hours of a new infusion site. “NO DELIEVERY” began to haunt me in my dreams.

I’ve been pumping for nearly 7 years and up until a few months ago, I could count on one hand the number of times I got a “NO DELIVERY” alarm. I was pulling out sites left and right. About 90% of the time, the cannula didn’t look kinked, or bent. Basically, nothing looked like it was wrong. It’s frustrating because not only to I have to start all over; it’s wasting a perfectly good infusion set. I hate it. I may have insurance, but it’s still money out of my pocket and I HATE wasting money. When a sensor goes back, I can fake it for a day or so and let it have time to acclimate. You don’t have that luxury with an infusion set. Insulin = life.

In the past month it went from having “NO DELIVERY” alarms more than I’d like to having 3 or 4 in a row before I could get a site that worked. I was BEYOND frustrated. I called MiniMed to ask their advice and to let them know that I thought it was scar tissue. I had been given a box of 6 mm cannula Mio infusion sites and they seemed to not give me any trouble at all.

The MiniMed people were great, as always. They replaced my sets and agreed that it was a very good possibility that the 9 mm cannula Quick Sets were hitting scar tissue and getting blocked or bent because of the scar tissue. They replaced 4 of my sets with 6 mm Quick Sets to see if those would work and told me that they’d be glad to replace the ones I have if the 6 mm ones worked.

I got then in the mail last week and AGAIN, I went through 2 of the 6 mm Quick Sets before I finally gave up and put a Mio in my lower back. It’s been my stomach that has been causing me the problems. The other sites I use (arms, lower back) haven’t been giving me trouble. I’ve just come to the conclusion that A) for whatever reason, the Mios work better on me right now and B) that my stomach may be too riddled with scar tissue to have infusions sites anymore.

So, here are my questions: Does anyone know what the difference is in the Mio and the Quick Sets? If the cannulas are the same length, why does it seem like only the Quick Sets give me trouble? And do you have suggestions on other sites for me to put in infusion sets? Something I can reach myself, since I have no one to help me with them.

My worst fear being forced to take a “pump vacation” due to something like scar tissue. I don’t want to have to do it. In fact, right now I refuse to do it. I just don’t know exactly what to do. Part of me thought that a different infusion set might be better. If not the Mio, then something else. Part of me wants to FORCE the sites I have to work (though I know that’s not going to happen). And a part of me wants to deny that anything is wrong in the first place.

Why doesn’t diabetes play fair?

The World’s Worst Sick-O (Sick-y?)

I’m sick. Real people sick. Not super sick, but I’m feeling icky, coughing, hacking, can’t breath, sore throat, swollen eyes, etc. I felt bad enough (coupled with the fact that several members of my family that I spent time with over Thanksgiving have an upper respiratory infection) that I went to the doctor this afternoon. I didn’t want to risk getting any sicker right now because I’m seriously swamped at work, running up on end of the month deadlines, and I have to sing on Sunday in my Community Choir’s Christmas concert.

I hate being a sick-o (sick-y?). It’s not fun. I whine. I want my mommy and I want to sleep. Basically, I’m a big, fat baby when it comes to being “real people” sick. I find it ironic that I will power through just about anything diabetes related. Even when I feel like crap, but I’m such a baby when it comes to other types of sickness.

I’ve powered through failed pump sites, horrid rebound highs, and most recently DKA, in order to continue doing what I was doing, or what I had planned. I refuse to let diabetes keep me down. I just won’t. I’m sure that I technically feel a LOT worse with some of these things (especially the DKA), but I just keep going.

But when it comes to “real-people” sick, I just want to cry and stay at home. Why is it that “real-people” sick is so easy for me to whine about? Perhaps because I feel like it’s the one thing that I can whine about. I don’t want to show weakness when it comes to diabetes, but “real-people” sick is a whole different story.


And is it just me, or do they go out of their way at the doctor’s office to poke a HUGE hole in your finger when they are taking blood? I swear the whole tip of my finger is sore. In fact, it’s slightly bruised, even though you can’t see it in the picture. Okay, I’m through whining now. I think. Anyone else power through diabetes related stuff & become a total softy when it comes to anything else?

Happy/Sad

Lately my life has been in upheaval. I've been traveling a LOT since January and I was actually gone as much as I was home in July. It's not work related, and I've enjoyed myself greatly....but sometimes, no matter how hard we try, life and circumstance conspire against us.

Depression and anxiety are things that I've never been formally diagnosed with, but I know I've dealt with at many times in my life. Prayer, good friends and family, and counting my blessings most often help me out and the time passes, usually fairly quickly. In fact, I hadn't had an issue in a couple of years until a little over a month ago.

I recognized the signs of depression in myself after a couple of weeks. I've waited for it to pass and kept myself busy, but it's lingering a little longer than normal this time. It's not to say I don't have good days, or good times. I do. Many of them.

In fact, just this week I went to my endo appointment and found out that despite all my travel and instability, my A1c is back below 7 AND I've lost some weight (not much, but still). But on the flip side, I'm being put on cholesterol medicine again, after being off it for a couple of years.

I thoroughly enjoyed Roche Summit and had such a fabulous time while I was there. Just last weekend, I took a VERY quick day trip to New York that also filled me with happiness and joy.

But, I notice things. I'm more tired than normal. In the quite moments at home the helplessness and hopelessness sneaks in. I want to cry, but I can't find the energy or the time. There are times when I just want to crawl right out of my skin.

I know how blessed I am. I know how much I have to be thankful for. I'm blessed beyond measure. But sometimes it's more than a state of mind. My mind tells me one thing, and my emotions tell me something else.

My first plan to tackle this is to keep on praying. God has gotten me through so many things in my life and I know He won't let me down. Next up, I'm not going to isolate myself. By keeping in touch with my friends (both online and off), I am keeping myself both busy and happier. After that, I don't know. I'm hoping this, like my other experiences, passes quickly. But I do want to thank the D-OC for making me less afraid to seek professional help if I need it. Knowing that others have done it gives me the courage to know I can too, if I need it.

Mostly, I'd like to ask you to keep me in your prayers and to keep me accountable. Tweet me. Facebook me. Don't let me wallow, when I have so much else to be doing.

Christmas Came Early

Back around Labor Day my transmitter for my MM cgms cracked after almost 4 years of use. I knew I would have to get a new one, but to satisfy my burning curiosity, I trialed the Dexcom first. Then I called MiniMed only to have them tell me that my insurance company wasn't going to pay for a new one. They didn't "cover it." Um. Okay. They did in the beginning. And had been paying for my sensors ever since.

They also cover the sensors for a co-worker's husband. Why now?

The lady I dealt with at MiniMed was amazing (and probably got sick of my incessant calling). She said they wanted a pre-approval first. That can take up to 30 days. I had borrowed a transmitter from a friend who had an extra (not sure how that happened) and was using my own sensor, but I was running out and my insurance wasn't paying for the transmitter/system OR the sensors.

I got blessed by T1 friends locally and by a friend in the D-OC who sent me some sensors in hopes it would get me through until insurance came through with a decision.

Friday I got a letter from my insurance saying they had deemed it "medically necessary" but that it still might not be paid. But from everything in the letter, it looked like I met the requirements. I called MiniMed and on Monday they told me they'd talked to my insurance company and that my insurance had no record of approval. The last thing the insurance had in their computer was dated November 22.
The letter from my insurance company was dated November 23rd. Sounds typical, right???

Anyway, MiniMed let me fax the letter, they looked it over and I literally had my new cgms system AND sensors the next day!!!

It was like Christmas came early for me!

Frustrated

Tomorrow's the day I pick up the trial Dex. Other than that, I'm just burned out on diabetes right now. I'm so tired to the wild blood sugar swings. I'm tired of feeling horrible from highs and shaky from lows. Hypo unawareness? Lately it seems to have taken a vacation on me. On one hand, that's
a good thing. I actually feel my lows. On the other hand, I'm a shaky sweaty mess when I'm in the high 60s. I hate that.

Part of me is hoping that the Dex will kick me into wanting to try harder. The other part of me wonders if I'll ever care again. Sure, I want to be healthy and as complication free as possible. But lately, the immediate work is something I am not only unmotivated to do, it also seems that when I try it doesn't do any good.

I go back on my endo in October. My plan after my last horrible appointment, was to be able to go back and and have a lower A1c and to be able to tell my endo that I had "fixed" my motivation issues. At this point I don't know if I'll be able to do that. And I don't know WHY.

Why don't I have the motivation? Why don't I want to do the things I know I should. I start out every day with good intentions...and they seem to fall by the wayside.

Heck, at this point I don't even have the motivation to blog much about diabetes. And I've been severely absent on Twitter. I feel guilty. I miss my friends. I feel like I'm failing as a patient advocate. But I just kind of wish diabetes wasn't around right now. And the more I don't want to feel this way, the more it seems to get worse.

I also feel like the fact that I'm frustrated and burned out is the only thing I blog about anymore and I'm tired of being a whiner. So, know that I love you all. And pray for me and my lack of motivation. And hopefully I'll stop being so negative on this blog.

Things Were Simpler Then

I was diagnosed with diabetes on February 5, 1986. I was 4 years old. The home blood sugar meter had only been available for a few years. They were still the size of a brick, and horribly complicated to use. A finger prick was done by a lancet device that we in the D-OC affectionately *cough*sarcasm*cough* call “the guillotine.”

Insulin delivery was by needle (and thankfully, not by glass needles that need to be sharpened….I’m not that old yet) only. We had no clue how to count carbs. Only that we were supposed to stay away from sugar and that we needed to eat three meals and three snacks per day, following the exchange program (anyone remember the red exchange book??).

We tested four times per day. Breakfast, lunch, supper, and before bed. We only checked other times if I was feeling bad. When I was first diagnosed, I only took one shot per day. Within a year or so I was taking 2 shots per day; one at breakfast and one at supper. There were no sliding scales or insulin to carb ratios. Cake was only an indulgent few bites on holidays and your birthday.

My mother never did middle of the night testing, though I know she slept with one eye open. She could hear me having a low (whining, thrashing, etc.) in her sleep no matter what. I’m sure my blood sugar ran higher than anyone would want their child running nowadays, but it was a protection for us.

Over the past several weeks I’ve been thinking about diabetes burnout. I think a large part of the burnout that I am dealing with comes because diabetes is such an all the time thing. I have a CGM that lets me know if I’m too high or low (or even if I’m rising or falling too quickly). I test numerous times per day. I rarely sleep all night without an alarm happening. Though I don’t do middle of the night checks on myself very often anymore (thank you GOD for the CGMS), I end up checking in the night from alarms more often than I’d care to admit.

Sure, I can eat sweets more often, skip a meal if I’m not hungry, and not worry as much about the timing of my meals anymore. I can test my blood sugar in 5 seconds, I have an insulin pump that allows me only a couple of needle insertions a week. My control is better, which I know will ward off long term complications.

But at what cost? I wouldn’t trade my diabetes technology for anything (other than BETTER technology). But sometimes the continual grind of diabetes can be so frustrating. At least when I was a kid, diabetes didn’t rear its ugly head more than a few times per day (meals, injections, and the occasional low). Now diabetes is always around.

I know this post sounds like I’m complaining. I’m not. I’m eternally thankful for all of the strides in diabetes care and all of the amazing technology that I have at my fingertips (no pun intended), it’s just an observation about how different the care of diabetes is today than it was 25 years ago. And my thoughts on how that “micro management” can lead to diabetes burnout.

A Good Night's Sleep

One of the greatest things about having a CGMS is the ability to have super tight control over your blood sugars. Tight control (without CGMS) can lead to horrible lows that are often not caught in a timely manner. Having CGMS gives you the ability to catch those lows (and highs) before they get too bad and makes the overall control easier.

But, I have also noticed some down sides of having CGMS. I beep ALL THE TIME. Like constantly. Sure, it's good for knowing what's going on, but can happen at the most inconvenient times. One thing that tends to happen to me a lot is beeping in the middle of the night. I have weird episodes at night. Sometimes I will spike in the middle of the night for no apparent reason. Other times I will drop for no apparent reason. Making the CGMS a good thing. But causing me some serious sleep deprivation at other times.

Lately I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping. Not related to the beeping CGMS or diabetes. But trouble sleeping nontheless. However, beeping doesn't help the situation. And last night, my sensor finally died so I took it off to charge overnight. Part of me is scared to sleep without it, but there was nothing I could do because it was so late and a sensor would not have had time to calibrate before I went to bed.

I slept without the sensor on all night long. And I don't think I moved at all. I slept fantastically. I'm not sure if it was because I was so exhausted, or because I didn't have the beeping to wake me up. It was a wonderful night's sleep. But I woke up this morning with a blood sugar of 65. :/

So is it worth it? Do sleep better and risk getting sick or worse in my sleep? I don't think so. But sometimes I wish I could just take a break from the beeping.

Diabetes is MY Disease

I have an appointment at my endocrinologist’s office in just a couple of weeks. I’m not seeing her. My appointment with her couldn’t be made until October. But I am seeing her nurse practitioner. I don’t have a problem with that. I like them both and they are both very good at what they do. I worry though. I am worried about how to handle the fact that I haven’t been doing what I should be. I have no idea what my A1c is. I am terrified that it’s going to be at a level that I haven’t seen in years.
But every time I go, it always comes down to the same question: “What are you going to do to fix it?” And that question is for me. They never come right out and say that, and they always offer to help me with anything I need. But the truth of the matter is that my lax diabetes care right now isn’t because of messed up basal rates or insulin to carb ratios. It’s due to the fact that I haven’t been on top of things like I should be and I know it. And they are going to ask what’s been going on, and I’m going to have to be honest.

Truthfully, I’m hoping that this appointment will kick me back into gear. Sometimes that external motivation is what I need. Emotionally, I’m doing better than I was a week or so ago. Oftentimes when I write about what I’m dealing with it helps me to process it and deal with it. Now I just have to attack the other areas. I need to make myself goals and I need to stick to them. I need to stop feeling so out of control with my life and my diabetes. I need to stop depending so much on my CGMS readings, and depending more on actual blood glucose tests.

It’s all one day at a time. Waking up and being able to say, “I’m going to do the best I can this morning.” And then saying at lunchtime, “I’m going to do the best that I can for the rest of the day.” At this point, I don’t even want to try to do a whole day at a time. And that’s okay. I know, ultimately, that I want to have the best diabetes control possible. And I know I’m the only one that can do that. Diabetes is my doctor’s disease for those 20 minutes I’m in her office. Diabetes is my disease every other second of every other day. Diabetes isn’t a doctor’s disease. It’s the patient’s disease. If I want to have a good, long, healthy life, I have to be the one to make it that way.

Burn Out at the Perfect Time?

It's funny that last Wednesday was the official start to the You Can Do This Project. Why is it funny? Oh, well, it's funny because I just realized today that I'm smack dab in the middle of a new episode of diabetes burn out/depression. Honestly, I don't talk about it much because I don't consider it a huge deal in my life. Throughout college and up until a couple of years ago, I would have periods of mild depression that I dealt with every year. Almost like clockwork, sometime between January and March. I've never seen a therapist, so I can't say I've ever been diagnosed with depression, but you don't have to have someone tell you, once you figure out what it is. Usually with those episodes of depression came more pronounced episodes of diabetes burn out.

The past few years I've not really had to deal with it. I'm not sure why. Most of the time I didn't even realize that it didn't come until I was somewhere into summer and thought "Oh, I didn't get sad this year." The past several months for me have been crazy busy. I've been traveling a lot. There's been a lot going on with my job. I've been stressed. I won't lie. But, like a trooper, I've kept on going.

But these last couple of weeks I've just been tired. All the time. I've not been sleeping well. I've been fighting crazy highs and lows with my blood sugars (more highs than anything). It's become a vicious cycle. I'm not sure it the crazy stress and travel brought on the crazy blood sugars and then I got lax because I was tired of the crazy blood sugars. Or if I just got lax because of the crazy stress and travel, and that brought on the crazy blood sugars.

I notice that I'm not counting carbs as accurately. I'm not dosing insulin as accurately. I'm depending more on my CGMS than on actual blood sugar tests. I'm just tired. I've been going to bed crazy early for several nights this week. And then I can't sleep all way through the night. I want to do nothing but read all the time (this tends to be my escape). I don't want to do housework or go to the grocery store. And it's making me crazy.

While I sat in church tonight it hit me that I'm going through another time of depression. And what makes it so funny to me is that I just posted my own video for the You Can Do This Project. All about how diabetes is hard, but that we can get through it.

I thought about just doing what I always do: praying, reading blogs, writing in a journal, and waiting for it to pass. Because it always does. But this time, instead of writing in a journal I chose to put in on my blog. I did it in hopes that it will help me to get motivated. I know I can do this. It just feels like I can't or don't want to some days. Today is one of those days. Tomorrow might be too. But I know that it will pass because I have great support online and off. I don't like being sad. I don't like being burned out on my diabetes care. But it happens. And knowing that I have friends out there that deal with it as well, helps me get through the days.

If you're a prayer, remember me in your prayers. If not, just remember me. :) I'll be fine. I'm strong. For now, I'm off to watch another round of You Can Do This videos. Because if anyone has dealt with depression and burn out, it's the people in this community. I love you guys.

Yesterday Was the Day

Around a month ago I blogged that I hadn't been going to my doctor's appointments like I should. I did it for accountability and within a short while, I got myself together and got an eye doctor's appointment and a dentist appointment set up.
Yesterday was the day. I took the day off work and started my morning with a dentist appointment. Sadly, I have new cavities. :/ Such is life, I suppose. I'm going to get them filled in a few weeks.
My eye doctor appointment was the one I was really worried about. Last year, at my annual check-up, my doctor found some slight bleeding in both of my eyes. For any diabetic, this can be super scary. He advised me that it wasn't a big deal and that I could come back in a year. My first reaction was panic. I wanted to see an M.D. (my current doc is an optometrist, not an ophthalmologist). I also wanted to start going back every 6 months.
My second reaction was what I went with. Fear. And ignoring. You know the whole "ignore it and it will go away" thing? That was me. Which is why it was a little over a year before I finally got back. But I did go with my gut instinct to actually make an appoinment with an ophthalmologist. Not that I don't like my optometrist, but just that I wanted to make sure that everything was really okay.
I had to drive an hour to see an opthalmologist. This is normal in my rural area. You have to drive to see pretty much any kind of specialist. When I got to the office, they did the standard eye exam with me (I need new glasses) and my vision has gotten a little worse, but it's not d-related.
Then they did the eye dialation. Once the doctor came in to see me, I think he was in the room for about 10 minutes. Not very long at all. But it was all the time I needed. He was really nice and looked at my eyes. The bleeding is still in both eyes, but hasn't changed since last year. He also assured me that it wasn't really anything to worry about at this time. And that I could continue to see my optometrist once a year unless something changed.
It basically put my mind at ease. He told me that the spots could stay the same way for the next 10 or 20 years and never change at all. I feel like I can breath a little easier, knowing that I did what I felt was right, and knowing that I don't have to worry so much about my eyes right now.

Stupid Mistakes

We all make them. When you’re a full-time vital organ, things become rote. Test, calculate carbs, bolus. When you’ve been doing the same thing over and over again for years upon years, sometimes you can even forget you’ve done it. I’m terrible to check my blood sugar twice in a row because I’ve forgotten that I’ve done it the first time.

One thing I’ve not done in years (in fact, it was 2005 if I remember correctly) is bolus, or give an injection twice. Sadly, I can’t say that anymore. Monday I was home for lunch and checked my blood sugar and bloused for lunch. Then I got my food out of the microwave and bloused again before I ate. It wasn’t very long before I realized it. But it was still too late to take the insulin back. :/ The bolus was done and I had twice as much insulin on board as I should have had.

So, I did what any good diabetic would do. I went to get ice cream. :) Talk about a good excuse. Honestly, if there had been a cupcake store in my hometown, I would have gone with cupcakes, but since there weren’t, a Blizzard from Dairy Queen did the trick. My blood sugar didn’t drop. And I had a very happy tummy.

My biggest issue in the whole thing was that blousing (and testing) has become so routine for me that I forget I’ve done it. I know I’ve been at this diabetes thing for 25 years. I’ve been pumping for almost 5 years now. And I know that because I do this everyday it is supposed to be “easy” or at least normal for me (and it is). But it also bothers me that it’s so normal. I wish that blousing and testing and counting carbs weren’t normal for me. I wish I didn’t have a need to know that information.

This post really started out just to tell you about how crazy I felt about double blousing. Instead it has turned into this: I’m tired today. I’m tired of dealing with diabetes. I don’t believe it’s burn-out. Just exhaustion. I don’t often get like this, but I’m tired of dealing with diabetes. I’m tired of testing and blousing and counting carbs and doctors appointments. And I’d just like a couple of days off. Is that so wrong?

But I’ll keep going because we all know there are no vacations with diabetes. My heart only breaks for the children who are dealing with these feelings as well. And I’m just praying that they won’t have to be sitting at 25 years and complaining about double blousing. That somewhere in some smart scientist’s mind, there’s a cure waiting. And that there’s the funding to make it a reality.

The Land of the Living

I think I might be joining it again. Really, after going on vacation to NYC, coming home and getting sick, my roommate buying a house and moving out, and my inability to get on the internet at work, I've basically been MIA.
And it SUCKS!!
But, things are starting to slow down again. And I did what I thought I wouldn't do for a long, long time... I got a smart phone. Yup. Although I won't use it all the time, I can at least check in on twitter a couple of times a day to see what's up in the world. :)
That makes me happy because I've missed you guys. I hate not knowing about what's going on in our community. It makes me feel out of touch and a little crazy.
As for diabetes blogging, right now I'm not sure what to blog about, so tonight, I'll just say "hi!" and let you all know I'm still breathing. And let you know I'll be back on the blogging bandwagon in no time.

Questions With No Answers

During the peak holiday season, I always have a hard time controlling my blood sugar. It's too high, it's too low. I over correct, I under bolus. It's a never ending roller-coaster. But, usually, I manage to get back into the swing of things pretty quickly. And I have at least some decent blood sugar times.

Christmas Day and the two days after Christmas were a nightmare. I'm not sure how today is going to turn out yet. I'm hoping for a return to normal. But I have basically been chasing highs continually for the past 72 hours. After a daily insulin total of over 60 units (I usually take around 45) I'd had enough. Yesterday I turned my basal up to 120%. It helped. but still wasn't perfect.

The question is WHY?? Is it the lack of exercise due to being snowed in? The random snacking? Am I getting sick? I'm not sure. But I don't like it. I don't like not knowing. I hate being out of control (I'm a tiny bit of a control freak).

Regardless, I did a site change this morning and hopefully that will take care of everything. If not, I may lose my mind.

New Patient

I have had the same General Practitioner for the past 15 or so years. I loved him. I rarely went in because I'm rarely sick, but he's been straight with me every time I've needed him to be. I credit him with me getting my diabetes life back in order.

December 1st his office closed. He has moved into a different kind of care and is no longer going to have an office. I didn't think a whole lot about it because I figured I'd go pick up my records and switch doctors sometime after the new year.

I'm never sick. I've not had more than a cold in almost 3 years. But this weekend I got hit hard. Bronchitis and a fever got me. I knew I needed to see a doctor, so I went into work for long enough to reschedule my appointments at work and started calling around town.

Every single office that I called said the same thing: It would be 1 to 2 weeks for a new patient. I'm sick. I need care now.

On my insurance, my ER co-pay is $75 and the closest walk-in or urgent care clinic is almost an hour away and it was snowing all day. So I opted to call the new doctor in town. I really didn't want to go to him (for reasons I won't discuss online) but I was desperate.

Anyway, I went in and ended up with a shot and some anti-biotics. I'm already feeling better, though still not great. And let me tell you, shots HURT! My hip is still sore. And despite the fact that I have good health insurance, the office requires all new patients to pay $50. I don't pay co-pays. I only pay 20%. But yet I had to pay $50 upfront.

My annoyance with the day, however, is that no one would see me without a wait time of several weeks. I wasn't sick enough to go to the emergency room. I'm not a "doctor hopper". I wasn't wanting pain pills or other narcotics. But everyone said "one to two weeks".

How is that fair to people who are honestly sick? People like me, who's PCP has left town or the office has closed. Or people who are new to an area and haven't had a chance to get a new doctor yet? How is that good medical care?

Hide and Seek

It has been a while since I lost a blood sugar meter. In the almost 25 years since I was diagnosed, I can count on my hands the number of times that I lost and meter. Most of the times it was either when I was a child (I once lay one down in a Sears store...we never saw it again), or when I wasn't taking care of my diabetes the way that I should (i.e. going weeks without testing). Since I started checking my blood sugar 8 to 12 times a day the most I've done is misplace it for a little while, or leave it at home and go to work (which isn't far).

But today I think I've finally done it. I had to change my sensor and infusion site this morning. I had to use my meter for that. My open insulin is in the meter case. After I finished changing everything, the only thing I did was take the garbage to the dump.

When I got back I started looking for my meter. I was hungry, my CGMS just beeped that it needed to be calibrated, and I was ready to have lunch. But I couldn't find it. I looked in the bathroom (where I keep the majority of my diabetes supplies and change my sites, sensors, etc.). It wasn't there. That is actually the last place I remember seeing it. I turned my purse upside down. Not there. I checked in my bedroom, under my covers, under my bed, in my closet, on top of my dresser...nothing.

I moved onto the living room and kitchen. By the stove, on my computer desk, on the bookshelf that sits by my front door, on my baker's rack, behind my roommate's son's toy box, under the couch, under the recliner....still nothing. Then I checked them all again. I even looked in the washer (I'd thrown my sheets in the washer earlier). Nothing.

Then my roommate checked her room (why it would be there, neither of us knew. But we checked anyway). Nothing. Then I checked them all again. And again.

By this time, I am getting very, very frustrated. I'm hungry. Cranky. And unsure what my blood sugar is because my new sensor had yet to be calibrated.

Then my lightbulb came on... I had an extra OneTouch Mini. I'll just use that to calibrate and eat and then resume the search for my OneTouch Ultra Link. I went to my closet, where all my extra meters, and pump boxes are...and then I remembered that I had given the OneTouch Mini away, along with a box of strips, to someone who didn't have insurance or a meter.

Crap. Okay. I'm still hungry. I still need to calibrate. Ug. So, I ran to the local drug store and bought another OneTouch Mini. Something to last me until I can find the magical disappearing OneTouch Ultra Link.

When I got back home with the new OneTouch Mini, all I could do is try to stay calm and that God that I live in a day in age when I can get a meter without a prescription. And that I can purchase one for less than $100. I remember life when you had to have a prescription. And they were still majorly expensive. But even in my thankfulness, I still am annoyed. My other meter has an almost new bottle of insulin in it, my Accu Check Multiclix poker, and my really awesome button that says "Wouldn't it be great if life were a giant musical?".

So, what to do? I'm hoping that it just shows up in some totally random place. There is a very, very slim chance that I took it out with the trash (either it fell off the kitchen counter into the trash, or the 2 year old threw it in the trash and we didn't notice). Its unlikely, but the only option, unless it shows up somewhere else.

Right now, I've eaten lunch. I have a meter that works (though it isn't my first choice), and I'm going to try to take a break from searching. Cause they say you always find something when you aren't looking, right? I figure I'll give it a week, max, and then I'll ask my doctor to write me a new prescription for another OneTouch Ultra Link and an Accu-Check Multiclix. As for the musical button...I'll have to reorder that one myself. Sigh.

Black Friday....

I hope you all survived it. :)

Cake Suicide

Well, I don't have a picture of it. My roommate told me I should have taken a picture. And put google eyes on it. But the Snickerdoodle cake I was to make for my job's Thanksgiving meal decided that it wanted to commit suicide right before I finished. At 10:00 p.m. the night before I needed it.

Just imagine a cake, face down on the kitchen floor....I'm sure you can conjure up a mental picture.

It was my worst nightmare come true. The only positive is that it wasn't an important birthday or wedding cake.

R.I.P. Snickerdoodle cake. R.I.P.

#DSMA Guest Post

For those of you who Tweet, most of you probably know about #dsma, or Diabetes Social Media Advocacy. The lovely Cherise is behind this idea. Every Wednesday night, we can "meet" on Twitter to ask questions and discuss specific topics related to diabetes. I miss it every week because I am at church during this time, but Cherise posts the round-ups on the DSMA website.

Several weeks ago Cherise asked me to write a post for the DSMA blog/website for Diabetes Awareness Month. I was honored to do it.

My guest post is up today, so if you have a chance, go check it out. And join in on the #DSMA chat on Twitter every Wednesday evening.

Stangely Out of Place

The past couple of weeks, I kind of disappeared from the online community. Work and real-life were both getting to me. But, in addition to that, I was feeling overwhelmed by the online community.

There are no amount of words that can possibly express how much I love the D-OC. You guys have been there for me when no one else could be. You are supportive, wonderful, and you keep me sane. I thank God every day that He has placed such wonderful people in my (digital) reach.

When I first found the online community around 4 years ago (through Kerri!) there weren't many bloggers. Well, I suppose there were quite a few. Several hundred on Kerri's blogroll (if I remember correctly) at the time. But active bloggers were few and far between.

When I started blogging, I found other bloggers. Sure, I never read every blog. I don't claim to have visited every blog in the D-OC at that time. But I'd been to a lot of them.

I felt like I had a large, extended family. Some you didn't talk to as much, but you knew most of them, and you cared about them.

But slowly, over the past 4 years, more and more people have been making their way into our "family". I am so glad that they are, don't take me the wrong way. But I feel like my "family tree" has gotten so large that I don't know anyone anymore. Between Facebook, Twitter, and regular blogging, I am overwhelmed. And it's been an ungodly amount of time since I even visited TuDiabetes (sorry, Manny!).

Last week I was really overwhelmed by it all and I just quit. I quit reading blogs. I quit checking Twitter. I didn't blog. But, I'm back on now. I just needed some time to regroup. And to remind myself that I always have room for new friends, and that I can always keep the old friends close.

My question is, do any of you (especially those of you who've been around for a while) ever feel overwhelmed by all the people that are coming into the community? And do you feel guilty for not keeping up with all the new people and new blogs?

Money, money, money

Money.

Something that most of us don't have a lot of. Some are more blessed than others. This is true. But, when it comes to living with diabetes, money can be a serious issue. As most of us know, having money is important when it comes to living with diabetes (or any chronic illness, I would venture to guess). If you don't have money, you need fantastic health insurance.

In the past I've talked about my thankfulness for my job. I don't enjoy it as much as I'd like. But I'm thankful for it. It pays well enough, I suppose. But the main reason that I have stuck with this job for the past (nearly) five years is because of the fantastic health insurance that my job offers.

I had no fight on my CGMS. They approved my insulin pump with no problems. And for the past two years, all my diabetic supplies (minus the pump supplies, which are considered durable medical equipment) were free. Free test strips. Free insulin. Free glucagon.

But, the economy is hitting everyone and everything. People are constantly looking for ways to cut costs and save money. And it's hit my job. In an effort to save money my job is "changing" their insurance coverage.

In July, we got a new prescription plan. Since I order my supplies every 3 months, I hadn't had to get anything since this change. But while visiting my endo a few weeks ago I got a new prescription for a glucagon kit. Mine has officially expired and I knew I needed to get a new one. In 24.5 years, I've never, ever had to actually use a glucagon kit. In fact, until a couple of years ago I hadn't had one since I was a kid.

I currently carry one in my "emergency kit" I carry in my purse. I have at least 2 co-workers who know how to use it, so I felt safe having it there. Also, my current roommate knows where its kept and how to use it.

When I went to the drug store the other day, I handed them my prescription. I asked them to run it through so I could find out the cost. I had a sneaking suspicion it wouldn't be free.

It wasn't.

It was $75.

And I told them to keep it. I haven't had to use one in over 24 years, and I don't have $75 to basically throw away (after all, the past 3 I've had have expired without ever being used).

$75.00

Non-preferred drug.

Please tell me, Mr. Insurance Company, how is a kit that could potentially save my life be "non-preferred"? And it's not like they have a generic version. I'd gladly take generic.

And, out of pure curiosity, I called a friend who works in a drug store to have them look up the cost if I had NO insurance. I didn't get an exact number...but I was told I was saving over half. Which means that without insurance, this little life saving pen would be over $150.

Oh, Mr. Drug Company....how is it that you can charge that much for something that might save a life? How is it fair?

As for the other changes in my insurance....we'll find out come January. I'm only hoping that the changes aren't so severe that it turns me into a pauper.